Photo by Drewski2112So…whilst the airlines would have you believe that flying is safer than staying in bed (or something), the general public, and indeed some of the aircrew themselves, are determined to lay this safety myth to rest.

Apparently, claims of sexual harassment within a cockpit of an Air India flight erupted into a full on, fists flying encounter that spilled into the passenger area of the aircraft…no doubt reminiscent of any number of action movies.  You can’t beat a bit of argy Bhaji (you see what I did there??).  I had visions of the in flight film being Passenger 57, but displayed in 3D…which would then have the passengers believing that “This new 3D technology is sooo realistic”…or something.  The question that doesn’t seem to be being asked is about how it all started.

Ok, “Sexual Harassment Claims”…I get that bit.  When I first read it, I suspected that it happened months ago but, due to a fatal flaw in shift planning (or a sick sense of humour), the accuser and accusee where scheduled on the same flight.  However, it appears to have happened on the flight, where the woman (rightly so) reacted and then the Knights of the Small Cock(pit) had at it…one defending himself and his innocence, and the other defending the fair maiden in distress?  Whatever happend, punches were thrown and I think we can safely say that the passengers were grateful for Autopilots…and of course the extra in-flight entertainment.

Not so entertaining though, is the wonderful example of British womanhood that was on display flying from Greece to Manchester (explains a lot).  Apparently, two women managed to get onto a plane, pissed out of their heads…and with their own bottle of vodka that they were drinking when the aircrew denied them more from the in-flight bar.  One of them, being somewhat the worse for wear, decided that what she really needed was some “fresh air” and decided to open the door….at 10,000 feet.  Apparently, when the crew decided to restrain her, she started trying to batter people with the vodka bottle.  Klassy huh?.

Personally, I would have spoken to the captain…confirmed that a cabin depressurisation wouldn’t down the aircraft…advised all passengers to strap in, and then let her open the frickin’ thing.  Some people deserve to learn the meaning of consequence.

I am sure that even the most cursory google search would return about a million pages with examples of sheer bloody stupidity in the air.

Personally, I wouldn’t mind a bit of an “Air Adventure”…maybe the chance to rugby tackle an unruly passenger hellbent on killing us all, not through malice but, through sheer bloody minded stupidity.  What happened to people just getting in trouble for smoking in the toilet…after sex…with the pilot…during takeoff….whilst stealing wine from the trolley.

Times they appear to be a’changin’

Photo by Ed YourdonApparently there is set to be an epic battle soon.  It is the stuff of heroes, villains, life and, indeed, death.  Kings and Queens will send troops across the abyss to their death or, maybe, glory.

No, I am not talking about a civil war, I am not even talking about a spectacular new film…so what am I talking about?   Well, it’s only Kasparov taking on Karpov in the “Battle of the Same Name (less a couple of letters)” AGAIN!.

I don’t know about you, but I am positively moist in anticipation of such a battle taking place.  I mean, this time it’s gotta be more interesting right?  Surely they have to give them actual weaponry this time.  Swords and daggers a’plenty methinks.

Alas not, it would appear that we do have the Rocky 4 of chess battles though.  With Karpov starring as Drago and training with both computer assistance, and a positive army of Grandmasters…whereas Kasparov is using only his wits, guile and anything lying around the mountaintop retreat (such as logs and a Teenage chess prodigy…wait, no, that wasn’t supposed to sound like that).

Seriously, I could only care less about this if IBM had trawled out another 20billion pound computer to prove that AI can trump..umm…I (I guess).  It will most likely be televised….televised.  As Lee Evans once said, if televised chess was to be any slowers….it would go back in time.

Now I realise that there are many people that like chess.  Whole groups of young kids come together at school to play against each other (and, presumably, to discuss how they will NEVER get laid)…I get it, to each their own…but epic…really?

If ever there was an abuse of the word epic, a chess match has got to be it.  A quick google defines epic thusly:

Very imposing or impressive; surpassing the ordinary (especially in size or scale); “an epic voyage”; “of heroic proportions”; “heroic sculpture”

Let’s analyse this:-

Very imposing or impressive: It’s a game of chess…albeit between two reknowned players…Very imposing? Very impressive: Result = Fail

Surpassing the ordinary (especially in size or scale): Chess is two people playing on a standard board.  This match will be two people playing on a standard board.  There are no razor sharp implements, no move will randomly set off an explosion under the chair.  The pieces aren’t actual castles, queens, kings or knights and the contestants will not sit on a platform 200 feet in the air as the giant game below unfolds at their every whim and command: Result = Fail

An epic voyage: The two K (something) ‘ovs will be sat throughout the entire game…trips to the little boys room do not count as a voyage: Result – Fail

Of heroic proportions: There is very little heroic about moving small plastic pieces around a chequered board.  And no, if by some chance the board is made of Lithuanian marble and each piece was handmade by blind, mute and deaf Tibetan monks using only their left index finger, a single horsehair and know knowledge of what they are supposed to be making, it is still not heroic (although the actual manufacture in that case might qualify): Result = Fail (except for the Tibetan monk…my god those guys are talented)

Heroic sculpture:  Ok if, and only if, the Tibetan did indeed carve the pieces using only his index finger and a single horsehair…I will allow the Chess pieces to be referred to as heroic sculptures.  Not, however, the players..although I concede that they look like sculptures until they actually move to make the little horsey knock the prawny thing off the board: Result = Fail (for the game) Win (for the pieces)

Based on this, if you can say that a chess match is epic, where does it end?

Noughts and Crosses – These two sides have been battling for centuries….there has never been a winner – This time, it’s personal

Tiddlywinks – Something that has a world championships…the scope for a marathon epic “get the small disc into a glass” battle is huge

Rock, Paper, Scissors – There is something about the pounding of hands together over and over and over again that just screams “Epic”…don’t you think?

So what about you?  Been involved in any epic Kerplunk battles recently?  Will you be tuning in to watch chess on TV, or possibly the more interesting “Watching paint dry” channel?

Photo by defektoOk, so I have done search terms posts before, and this one will not be massively different…. I am still getting a lot of the regulars but some of the following searches are just freaky.  Here are some of my faves, in no particular order:

royal robbins cardiff espresso 10 short OR 32

An interesting one to start, although I am not entirely sure what to say about this.  I wasn’t aware of the Welsh peoples Italian heritage and therefore desire to produce espresso.  The Welsh are indeed short, although why you would require 10 OR 32 I really don’t know.  I guess the most important question is; How the hell did you get onto my blog with this search?

dog person  big dog person smole dog person, cat person, hamster person

Where to start?  Dog person…I get it, Cat person is also fairly standard.  I don’t believe I have ever known anyone to be pigeon-holed (not a euphimism) as a Hamster person before.  I think that has to be a first.  Big Dog person??  Doesn’t that, and be honest now, fall under the…oh I don’t know…DOG person category??  I have an issue with Smole though…are you the guy that used to play the French policeman in Allo Allo?  Will you be shortly “Pissing by ze window” and “Hearing two shits”?  No…hmm, then maybe you simply can’t spell SMALL….please pay attention.  Of course, based on the hamster reference, there is every chance you believe there to be a Mole person and in your excitement of the pursuit of knowledge..your fingers mashed the S key first.  We may never know.

tin of elbow grease striped paint

You know what you have done here?  You have taken a classic set of jokes and overreached.  Quite possibly, you have forever ruined these harmless japes for the rest of the world.  Let me be the first to say….I. Hate. You.

what had you done in september 11

This could simply be a person looking back on a terrible event, maybe as research for a school project or something similar.  That said, Mr Bush…if the combined might of the US intelligence services couldn’t turn anything up…do you really think a Google search will offer more?  Oh…you do…umm, carry on then…and don’t let me be the first to remind you that you are no longer in office…

easily accessible hallucinigens

Easy..sleep – Well, more specifically the lack of.  Next time I drive to the UK, I will give you a call to do it for me…mmmkthanks

ironic exercise

I don’t know where to start with this really.  I suppose we could be falling into a desperate Head and Shoulders type advert where the answer to the statement “But, you don’t have dandruff!” is always “Exactly!”.  I can’t think of any reason for exercise to be ironic.  The superfit need exercise to stay superfit.  I suppose, if you were being particularly harsh…if I were to exercise it could be considered pointless…and therefore slightly ironic.  That said, maybe you should be searching for “ironic, meaning of”

car of the cock

Well, this is very easy…it seems to vary from series to series of Top Gear, but I can categorically say it is Aldi….or BMW, but probably Audi…maybe.  Screw it, just watch Top Gear and discover it yourself.

wood blewit allergic reaction

The only thing that springs to mind here is someone performing sexual acts of an oral nature on Pinnochio…I’m sorry, I apologise unreservedly….but there you go.  Also, don’t judge me…you thought the same.

“public transport\” upskirt pictures panty

Seriously?!?  And you followed a link to MY blog for this??  There are no words…Ok, I will admit using a similar phrase in one of my old posts, but still.

meaning of  “white socks and black shoes”

Well, if she was here when I was writing this, I would definitely pass this one over to CW…as she has some very specific and derogatory comments about such people…as she does about white socks with almost any kind of foot attire…and women wearing tights, and a shirt (and nothing else).  I’ll skip this one methinks.

god told me i would be ok

And yet you felt the need to search for confirmation on the hallowed pages of Google and then my blog.  Whilst I am grateful for the implied compliment, that I am somehow channeling Gods divine will of general OK’ness…it’s just not true and I am unable to offer you the confirmation that you so clearly desire.

we had to stand in front of him and raise our skirts

Either the beginning of a flashback sequence in a very bad porn film, or you should consider giving this information to a therapist…either way…the blog is called The Laughing Wolf!

when a person say i’am a wolf

Well, unbelievably bad grammar aside, I have one word for you….Gillette.  It is indeed “The Best A Man Can Get”.  If you are covered from head to foot in hair, take a bath in veet.  Either that or you are just hairy and fugly.  Hugly if you will….

who me?

Yes you…why are you surprised.  Let’s face it, you are the kind of person that googles for “who me?” when, and I am just guessing here, noone has actually asked you something.

There you have it, another episode of call-in-a-blog is over..tune in again in a couple of days for the awe-inspiring topic of “Why I keep eating fleischkaese rolls for lunch”

Which might happen….hopefully not.

Since I have been in the UK visiting the kids, my Mum has a bit of a morning routine before work, which culminates in watching a show called “Saints and Scroungers”.  Now that my Mum and Dad have gone on holiday, I have found myself watching it too.  It’s a show dedicated to people that genuinely need financial help from the government, and those who are basically stealing from it.

It never ceases to amaze me what people will do if there is a chance of a bit of extra cash.  There was a guy who had an accident at work, which resulted in him having a bad back (a recurring theme)..he filled out every claim he was (theoretically) entitled to, stating that it was a struggle to walk and get around etc.  The government duly paid all of his claims on a weekly/monthly basis and the poor soul was happy to be able to live his life.  One anonymous tipoff later, and the fraudulent claims department were investigating.  It’s all a bit cloak and dagger, but they are allowed to run surveillance, and when they gather enough evidence, have unrestricted access to bank and tax records, and in some cases can search the home of the person under investigation.  It turns out that this idiot, whilst claiming he could barely walk, was a FIFA qualified football referee (getting paid) and was a marathon runner…..A MARATHON RUNNER!  He had his name in the papers, had ran for a number of high profile charities…he had even allowed himself to be interviewed for local news FFS!  Now, I have never claimed a benefit in my life that I wasn’t entitled to..so I guess I could take the moral high ground here and give this guy a proper slagging for being a thief and scum etc etc etc….I won’t though…what I will do is call him a moron.  A cretin of the highest order that should be removed from the gene pool for pollution.  As it stands, he got 2 years in prison and has to pay back £100,000.

I am not condoning scamming the system but, if I were so inclined, I would damn well make sure that I wasn’t claiming disability benefit if I was…oh I don’t know…say…RUNNING 5 MILES EVERY DAY TO STAY IN SHAPE….you know, just to use a random example that popped into my head.  Dear god, I am surprised he didn’t apply for a job with the Fraudulent Claims Department…whilst still claiming..it would have been less obvious than being on the news. 

 The other one that stands out is actually pretty scary.  Picture the scene, Chavvy Grannie and Chavvy Grandad are wandering around…they look like standard British pensioners that don’t have a lot of cash.  They go up the high street of a morning, buy the paper, have a cup of tea at the local cafe…and then wend their merry way back home.  Nothing unusual there right?  Wrong…it turns out that Chavvy Granny and Grampy are identify fraudsters…and have around 80 claims in different names that they are collecting money on regularly, and another 140 that they claim on from time to time.  They are pulling in £250,000 a year from this and have been running it for 4 years.  A million quid!!!!  Let’s look at them again.  Check out Chavvy Granny, sporting the latest teacosy on the head, weathered brown swede jacket and trousers from Oxfam.  Chavvy Grandad is on the high street catwalk in fashions that you, dear reader, can achieve at very modest prices….grandad shirt from Primark, brown button up cardigan from…well…the 1950′s and a pair of your very finest corduroy house slippers.  Definitely a couple of millionaires living it up.

They raided their house and they found very well ordered files and storage, detailing each and every identity.  Basically, they went through old papers for people that died in the 60′s and information from family members that had emigrated around the same time…applied for birth certificates to be sent and started using their identities.  Pretty clever, even keeping a low profile was clever…that said, getting a million quid and staying in the country…moronic in the extreme.  So, not only did they not spend any of the (substantial amounts) money that they scammed….they get to spend the next 5 years in jail for their trouble aswell as having to pay it all back.

With that amount of money, they could have been living in another country and flying in every week or so to collect…at least then they could have gone somewhere posh for their clothes for once..like TK Maxx for example.

So, I don’t know about you but, I am going to start training for the marathon, take up one-legged polka dancing, learn to kill a man using only my little toe and start filling out the paperwork immediately..using names created by this.  I should be a millionaire in a few weeks.

This is Nat Smurfling, signing out