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Only 18??

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Shopping? Not with a man
Photo by The RocketeerOver at CNN they ran an article entitled “18 things to teach our sons about women” Which lead me to wonder a couple of things…

Firstly, as it was written by women, why only 18 things?  There has to be more…although maybe 18 is the maximum that sons are capable of learning without suffering a haemmorhage or other catastrophic brain damage.  From what I remember of my youth, this is entirely possible.

Secondly, are they planning on running the same thing from another perspective?  I didn’t find anything so, in an effort to get in touch with my feminine side, let me present to you:-

18 things (I believe) women teach our daughters about men.

I will put the topic that the original article feels should be taught to sons in brackets, you know, for reference and all that.

1. Pick your battles

Ok, I chose the same topic here as it seems like quite an obvious one really.  By picking your battles, I mean save them up…save up all the reasons you might like to have a go at the man in your life about.  Better to hit him with everything from the last 6 months in one go and (speaking from experience) just as he is going to sleep.  He will undoubtedly be tired and is guaranteed (almost) not to argue as he will simply want this to end.

2.  Walk 2 paces in front (Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion)

This may seem a little strange, but men don’t want meek and indecisive women.  They need strong women to lead their man through the throngs of shoppers.  The exception to this rule is when he needs to get football tickets, or a new computer game…at this point it is better to give him some freedom while you pause for a coffee.  Also, it will be funny to watch him trying to keep up and get along side you.

3. Never speak during anything on television that he is paying attention to (Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you)

Pretty obvious when you think about it.  That said, this is the perfect opportunity to get that new outfit that you expect him to say no to.  Additionally, if you feel like you need more ammunition for the bedroom chat from point 1, then make sure you do, in fact, interrupt whatever he is watching to tell him something, he won’t pay attention and whatever you need will most certainly not be done.

4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women

Again, I chose the exact same topic here to address modern women and their boundless talent to manipulate stupid men (and by definition all men).  Essentially, it is absolutely true that men can do these things…and in fact should do these things.  What isn’t addressed here is the ability of the women to be able to convince the man that they should do these things without expecting you to do it in return.  This can be via a series of headaches, “womens problems” and a clever use of all points collected in point #1.  If performed correctly, your saying “Darling, let’s get Chinese tonight” from time to time, could ensure that he cooks, cleans and spends almost all of his spare time with the kids…and thanking you for it.

5. Ensure that beer and snacks are available at all times (Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid)

This is vital.  Especially when related to point 4, these snacks can be a vital distraction from having to cook.  They will also guarantee that he will be in the mood for watching sports, a show or film on TV, thereby ensuring that you can go out without even needing to ask if he is willing to watch the kids whilst you do so.

6. Buying shaving equipement and toiletries is an absolute necessity (Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you –everyone knows they’re not for you)

Let’s face it, men remain pretty much childlike and reliant on the women in their lives.  Unless you want a very smelly and unshaven partner, you will do this.  Remember though, it is not enough to simply buy the products…oh no, you must then nag, cajole, prod and push him into actually using them.  Under no circumstances get anything with flowers on the packaging as he will rebel and refuse to use them.  Make sure you buy manly sounding products such as Axe (Lynx) and Brut…anything by Jean Paul Gaultier should only be purchased for him if you allow him to set it on fire.

7. Men like to be left alone…and gifts  (Women like compliments and gifts)

Nuff said really.  Try and get gifts that are in the rough area of interest though.  Don’t buy a Football for a Rugby fan…that’s all I am saying.

8. The BBQ is for him (Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating)

Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating…it isn’t.  Men may seem to be competitive souls, but trust me on this…if you can earn more than him, he is happy…and probably contemplating how he can stay at home whilst you go out to work.  BBQs, however, are another story altogether.  There was an article recently, where a woman had decided to start the BBQ and cook before her partner got home…after the divorce he was at a clinic and can now be found working as a part time masseuse called Kylie.  The BBQ is for him…learn it, live it, love it.

9. Get there sometime within an hour of scheduled arrival (Be on time, even if she usually isn’t)

I know that this is expected…you think that you should be stylishly late…no, this is the excuse used when women are late to meet other women.  When meeting your partner you need to make sure you are late for a variety of reasons…and none of them are anything to do with you.  A man waiting for a women, where he can almost guarantee lateness, is afforded the opportunity to get certain things out of his sytem.  Flatulence for one, the chance to forget the punchline to the terrible joke that person X from the office told him, some time to check the football scores and basically the chance to remember that he is meeting you…not one of the lads.  That said, any more than an hour and he is likely to forget why he is there and wander off, like some sort of forlorn lost puppy.

10. Unless necessary, don’t take him shopping (Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her)

By necessary I mean if you are shopping for a) Him, b) a computer, c) a car or d) a BBQ.  There is no other purpose (with the possible exception of his credit cards, but you should have already gotten him to provide you one of those).  If you have what is referred to as a “Gay Boyfriend” (not to be confused with a gay friend)  and he is able to adequately recommend clothing that looks good on you, feel free to push, prod, pout and cajole until he agrees.

11. Find out what his favourite team is (Find out what her favorite flower is)

I am not just talking about the name here, you have to know at least 3 players, their various team colours (home and away etc) and how the scoring system works.  Under no circumstances should you be asking “Which one is your team?” and “Who is winning?”.  This will lead to head shaking and possible loss of control.

12. If you like him, then don’t buy him a computer game; it will be the wrong one (If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck)

The obvious exception is if he has told you specifically what version, the shop to go to and preferably the serial number on the back of the case he wants.

13. To a man, smiling and nodding is the same as listening (Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening)

Contrary to popular belief, men do listen.  The important thing missing from the “teach our sons” article is that listening is not the same as understanding.  There is no help here for this although some women report that raising the voice about 4 octaves and about 20 decibels has had some effect in certain cases.  The most important thing to remember is that you don’t actually need him to listen and understand…you just need a sonic reflection device.  If your man is out, a large sheet of cardboard will give you the same sensation.

14. It’s never OK to cry in front of him (It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum)

As said in point 13, he wouldn’t understand anyway.  Also, crying onto his shoulder and unburdening yourself is simply a way of reminding him that he is necessary to your daily life.  If he begins to realise this, you can kiss goodbye to the credit card, compliments and gifts that you have managed to secure on a daily basis.

15. Knowledge of sport and/or computers goes a long way (Personality goes a long way)

Men aren’t really interested in looks, they claim to be but they aren’t.  Sure, if they can get the looks too, they are happy.  What they want is someone that won’t start yawning the second they begin excitedly discussing that penalty decision from the TV or the shot they made in Game X.  Personality suggests conversation, men don’t want conversation where possible.

16. He will never be as important as your Dad (At some point she’ll be more important than your mother)

Your Dad will never approve of this man, or any man.  In the event of any kind of argument or emotional turmoil created either by him or both of you, your father is where you will turn.  He is allowed to criticise your choice of partner…Your man, on the other hand, understands this and is simply using it a learning experience until he is in the position of Father and will then be able to exact his revenge for years of abuse.  The first recorded incident of a woman not feeling her father to be more important than her partner was Deirdre the Dodo….and we all know what happened there…

17. There is nothing to understand about men (You will never completely understand women)

It’s true, by and large they are simple creatures with simple needs that are very easily controlled.  They spend their whole lives trying desperately to understand you, they have no time to become complicated enough for you to worry about understanding them.  If they are sad…beer and/or sex.  If they are happy beer and/or sex.  If they are indifferent…beer and/or sex.  Are you detecting a theme here?

18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!

There is one peril though, and that is “The Mother”.  You must remember, “The Mother” was a daughter once, and has been well schooled in these instructions.  They will be able to predict your moves and, will probably accept them…unless she was not blessed with a daughter of her own.  In these cases, the mother may be overly protective of the son and you have to tread carefully.  In these situations, be the daughter she never had….just be subtle about it and you will be ok.

Oh, and for the record…I am not saying that these are my personal beliefs….they are, however, my personal belief as to what women learn as they are growing up.. important difference.

Grin

I knew it…

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All medicinal...obviously
Photo by DOS82Check out this story from the BBC Website VERY IMPORTANT STORY.

Now, as you can probably imagine…when I first saw the headline and the first two paragraphs I was inclined to stop reading…and possibly go for a breakfast beer.  As I am sure most of you did too when you followed the link.

That said, in an effort to look like I actually researched this post thoroughly, I forced myself to read on.  Aren’t you proud of me?  No, oh…get on with it?  Ok…

Apparently, some doctors are saying that alcohol “could” dampen the bodys response to…something or other.  I mean, this shouldn’t be news to anyone, should it?.  Alcohol dampens the bodys response to…well…pretty much everything else you can think of, so why not something medical too.

The problem as I see it though is one of recognition.  If someone is given a load of alcohol in an effort to avoid brain injury caused by swelling….how will you know if it is working.  I have seen myself on Absynth…so I can safely say that I would be relatively indistinguishable from someone suffering a brain injury.

Slurred speech  – Check
Inability to focus on anything other than a cigarette – Check
Unable to answer basic questions about self – Check
Walking in straight lines impossible – Check

I question where this information really came from.  Sounds to me like a bunch of Doctors got together one night on a piss up, noticed that one of their brethren was acting like a head trauma case and, stumbling into the bouncer, got them thrown out. So theybeat him over the head with a subtle, yet readily available, ashtray and noticed the next day that he didn’t in fact have a brain injury.

One of them decided it would be great to write this up and now Chavs all over the world are rejoicing with their pre-breakfast Stella and 20-20 chaser.  The problem with that though is, again, how would we tell?

Also, “too little and there is no benefit, and too much and the beneficial effects are lost“,  apparently this wonderful theory was proved on animals.  Does this not concern anyone else?  I mean, I am not exactly an animal rights activist or anything, but are they really feeding the animals various quantities of alcohol after battering them around the head to induce the type of trauma that our erstwhile (and drunken doctors) accidentally created?  I mean sure, if they are using Guinnea Pigs…fair enough…after all, they are called Guinnea Pigs.  Maybe they could reverse it…let all the little animals have a party, call in some hookers and have a great time…then give them a swift whack on the bonce after they fall asleep…otherwise, where’s the motivation for them to keep signing up?

Oh, and in response to Don Shenkers (Chief Exec of Alcohol Concern) statement of “The fact is, being drunk increases your chances of getting into an accident in the first place.  When judgement’s impaired, we can put ourselves at risk.“:

Duuuuh, we know – it’s just that we also know that one extra beer might just save our life….

Mines an Absynth

Grin

Oh now come on!

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An "Epic" Battle Yesterday!
Photo by Ed YourdonApparently there is set to be an epic battle soon.  It is the stuff of heroes, villains, life and, indeed, death.  Kings and Queens will send troops across the abyss to their death or, maybe, glory.

No, I am not talking about a civil war, I am not even talking about a spectacular new film…so what am I talking about?   Well, it’s only Kasparov taking on Karpov in the “Battle of the Same Name (less a couple of letters)” AGAIN!.

I don’t know about you, but I am positively moist in anticipation of such a battle taking place.  I mean, this time it’s gotta be more interesting right?  Surely they have to give them actual weaponry this time.  Swords and daggers a’plenty methinks.

Alas not, it would appear that we do have the Rocky 4 of chess battles though.  With Karpov starring as Drago and training with both computer assistance, and a positive army of Grandmasters…whereas Kasparov is using only his wits, guile and anything lying around the mountaintop retreat (such as logs and a Teenage chess prodigy…wait, no, that wasn’t supposed to sound like that).

Seriously, I could only care less about this if IBM had trawled out another 20billion pound computer to prove that AI can trump..umm…I (I guess).  It will most likely be televised….televised.  As Lee Evans once said, if televised chess was to be any slowers….it would go back in time.

Now I realise that there are many people that like chess.  Whole groups of young kids come together at school to play against each other (and, presumably, to discuss how they will NEVER get laid)…I get it, to each their own…but epic…really?

If ever there was an abuse of the word epic, a chess match has got to be it.  A quick google defines epic thusly:

Very imposing or impressive; surpassing the ordinary (especially in size or scale); “an epic voyage”; “of heroic proportions”; “heroic sculpture”

Let’s analyse this:-

Very imposing or impressive: It’s a game of chess…albeit between two reknowned players…Very imposing? Very impressive: Result = Fail

Surpassing the ordinary (especially in size or scale): Chess is two people playing on a standard board.  This match will be two people playing on a standard board.  There are no razor sharp implements, no move will randomly set off an explosion under the chair.  The pieces aren’t actual castles, queens, kings or knights and the contestants will not sit on a platform 200 feet in the air as the giant game below unfolds at their every whim and command: Result = Fail

An epic voyage: The two K (something) ‘ovs will be sat throughout the entire game…trips to the little boys room do not count as a voyage: Result – Fail

Of heroic proportions: There is very little heroic about moving small plastic pieces around a chequered board.  And no, if by some chance the board is made of Lithuanian marble and each piece was handmade by blind, mute and deaf Tibetan monks using only their left index finger, a single horsehair and know knowledge of what they are supposed to be making, it is still not heroic (although the actual manufacture in that case might qualify): Result = Fail (except for the Tibetan monk…my god those guys are talented)

Heroic sculpture:  Ok if, and only if, the Tibetan did indeed carve the pieces using only his index finger and a single horsehair…I will allow the Chess pieces to be referred to as heroic sculptures.  Not, however, the players..although I concede that they look like sculptures until they actually move to make the little horsey knock the prawny thing off the board: Result = Fail (for the game) Win (for the pieces)

Based on this, if you can say that a chess match is epic, where does it end?

Noughts and Crosses – These two sides have been battling for centuries….there has never been a winner – This time, it’s personal

Tiddlywinks – Something that has a world championships…the scope for a marathon epic “get the small disc into a glass” battle is huge

Rock, Paper, Scissors – There is something about the pounding of hands together over and over and over again that just screams “Epic”…don’t you think?

So what about you?  Been involved in any epic Kerplunk battles recently?  Will you be tuning in to watch chess on TV, or possibly the more interesting “Watching paint dry” channel?

Yippee Kaiyay Muddyfunster

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Lope...some time last week - Can you help?Nope, not a Die Hard related post, not even a Bruce Willis related one…but simply and tenuously related to Alan Rickmans classic quote “Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr Cowboy?”

In a time where the English postal service is voting on yet another strike, my postcard (and letter from the kids to CW) still hasn’t arrived….almost a month after it was sent.  Now, this is some kind of record even for the German “Throw a Six to start” postal system.

I have often likened it to the Wild West (see the reference now?), as depicted in the movies…you know, where a passing cart places a bag full of mail on a hook and then another cart, possibly heading in the right direction, grabs it and moves it further on.  Imagine that on an international scale, and you have what I believe happens when you post something from the UK to Germany.  Just to illustrate this, last year (I think), a Frankfurt postman was jailed for not actually delivering any mail for the last 5 years.  After numerous complaints and a crack investigation..they looked in his apartment and found it all.  So….

Picture the scene: The tireless overworked and underpaid British Postal Service employees, in a non-strike week, deal with the First Class stamped letter in record time and pass it to Postman Pat.  Pat, gives it to his cat Jess, who proceeds to scratch at it until it is open enough to check for any money that might be in there….upon discovering a distinct lack of monetary reward, Jess proceeds to piss on the envelope and pass it back.  Eventually, Pat or Jess remember to check the address and discover that it is destined for Germany.  After chatting to each ozer in ze mok cherman aksent for 2-3 hours, they pass the envelope onto the first person in the street that is able to recognise that Germany is a country and not, in fact, (as stated by Pat) a small town just outside Basingstoke.

The kindly trivia enthusiast is actually (and fortuitously) heading to Dover, so decides to generously give the envelope to someone with a suitcase who appears to be heading in the direction of the port.  Unfortunately, the tourist in question is just someone who bought a new suitcase (12 quid from Tesco…good deal) and heads home for lunch.

After lunch, he takes pity on the folorn looking envelope and takes a stroll to the port, where he hands it on to a ships captain.  In an unfortunate and unforseen twist, the captain is actually a freight captain and is heading to Azerbaijan..still, he takes the envelope with him and it enjoys a sea voyage with many adventures (perhaps for another time).

Upon returning to Dover some 3 weeks later, the freight captain bids a tearful farewell and hands the envelope to a captain that is heading to France…the envelope promises to write often.  After eventually being allowed through the daily Calais blockade, our intrepid envelope is handed off to someone that is supposedly heading to Holland.  Our English (and therefore reserved) envelope is tempted by the many relaxants and ladies of negotiable affection on offer, but is feeling refreshed and decides to push on for his destination.  Disguised as an overdue bill, he sneaks into a post bag with “Deutschland” written on it and waits for arrival in the land of Bier and Bratwurst.  A few hours of movement, and it ends…Lope (I feel we know him well enough now) notices that the bag appears to be swinging to and fro.  Leaping out of the bag, it is apparent that they have indeed been hoisted onto a hook atop a pole…and not in a good way.  The other, somewhat less intelligent, mail simply accept this and go to sleep.  Not so our Lope, using his unnerringly accurate origami skills, he adjusts his scratched envelope exterior into a thumb shape and begins hitch-hiking.

Picked up after only 4 hours of thumbly goodness, our story must end as we lose track of Lope…and he has never been seen again.

Can you help?  Were you on that motorway in Holland last week?  Did you see Lope getting into a truck, innocently believing that the driver was a kindly, helpful soul?  If you have any information, please email youseriouslydonthaveyourpostcardyet@postalservice.eu

And no…Lope still hasn’t arrived.

Damnit

Searching for answers

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SHIT HAPPENS
Photo by defektoOk, so I have done search terms posts before, and this one will not be massively different…. I am still getting a lot of the regulars but some of the following searches are just freaky.  Here are some of my faves, in no particular order:

royal robbins cardiff espresso 10 short OR 32

An interesting one to start, although I am not entirely sure what to say about this.  I wasn’t aware of the Welsh peoples Italian heritage and therefore desire to produce espresso.  The Welsh are indeed short, although why you would require 10 OR 32 I really don’t know.  I guess the most important question is; How the hell did you get onto my blog with this search?

dog person  big dog person smole dog person, cat person, hamster person

Where to start?  Dog person…I get it, Cat person is also fairly standard.  I don’t believe I have ever known anyone to be pigeon-holed (not a euphimism) as a Hamster person before.  I think that has to be a first.  Big Dog person??  Doesn’t that, and be honest now, fall under the…oh I don’t know…DOG person category??  I have an issue with Smole though…are you the guy that used to play the French policeman in Allo Allo?  Will you be shortly “Pissing by ze window” and “Hearing two shits”?  No…hmm, then maybe you simply can’t spell SMALL….please pay attention.  Of course, based on the hamster reference, there is every chance you believe there to be a Mole person and in your excitement of the pursuit of knowledge..your fingers mashed the S key first.  We may never know.

tin of elbow grease striped paint

You know what you have done here?  You have taken a classic set of jokes and overreached.  Quite possibly, you have forever ruined these harmless japes for the rest of the world.  Let me be the first to say….I. Hate. You.

what had you done in september 11

This could simply be a person looking back on a terrible event, maybe as research for a school project or something similar.  That said, Mr Bush…if the combined might of the US intelligence services couldn’t turn anything up…do you really think a Google search will offer more?  Oh…you do…umm, carry on then…and don’t let me be the first to remind you that you are no longer in office…

easily accessible hallucinigens

Easy..sleep – Well, more specifically the lack of.  Next time I drive to the UK, I will give you a call to do it for me…mmmkthanks

ironic exercise

I don’t know where to start with this really.  I suppose we could be falling into a desperate Head and Shoulders type advert where the answer to the statement “But, you don’t have dandruff!” is always “Exactly!”.  I can’t think of any reason for exercise to be ironic.  The superfit need exercise to stay superfit.  I suppose, if you were being particularly harsh…if I were to exercise it could be considered pointless…and therefore slightly ironic.  That said, maybe you should be searching for “ironic, meaning of”

car of the cock

Well, this is very easy…it seems to vary from series to series of Top Gear, but I can categorically say it is Aldi….or BMW, but probably Audi…maybe.  Screw it, just watch Top Gear and discover it yourself.

wood blewit allergic reaction

The only thing that springs to mind here is someone performing sexual acts of an oral nature on Pinnochio…I’m sorry, I apologise unreservedly….but there you go.  Also, don’t judge me…you thought the same.

“public transport\” upskirt pictures panty

Seriously?!?  And you followed a link to MY blog for this??  There are no words…Ok, I will admit using a similar phrase in one of my old posts, but still.

meaning of  “white socks and black shoes”

Well, if she was here when I was writing this, I would definitely pass this one over to CW…as she has some very specific and derogatory comments about such people…as she does about white socks with almost any kind of foot attire…and women wearing tights, and a shirt (and nothing else).  I’ll skip this one methinks.

god told me i would be ok

And yet you felt the need to search for confirmation on the hallowed pages of Google and then my blog.  Whilst I am grateful for the implied compliment, that I am somehow channeling Gods divine will of general OK’ness…it’s just not true and I am unable to offer you the confirmation that you so clearly desire.

we had to stand in front of him and raise our skirts

Either the beginning of a flashback sequence in a very bad porn film, or you should consider giving this information to a therapist…either way…the blog is called The Laughing Wolf!

when a person say i’am a wolf

Well, unbelievably bad grammar aside, I have one word for you….Gillette.  It is indeed “The Best A Man Can Get”.  If you are covered from head to foot in hair, take a bath in veet.  Either that or you are just hairy and fugly.  Hugly if you will….

who me?

Yes you…why are you surprised.  Let’s face it, you are the kind of person that googles for “who me?” when, and I am just guessing here, noone has actually asked you something.

There you have it, another episode of call-in-a-blog is over..tune in again in a couple of days for the awe-inspiring topic of “Why I keep eating fleischkaese rolls for lunch”

Which might happen….hopefully not.

Looking back

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lj icon computer games
Photo by Rachel YoungI have always worked in IT…well, except for that couple of months in a car body repair shop straight out of school…..but even then I ended up sorting their computer out.  The thing about working in any kind of service environment, but I think especially IT, is that you have to really work hard to understand that not everyone knows how to turn a computer on…or off as the case may be.

There are many urban legends surrounding IT support, some of them probably are legends and some of them have happened to me…I am sure that many other IT supporters have had these issues too.

Whilst I recognise that not understanding technology doesn’t make you stupid and as a nice way to break myself back into Tech Support mode…I think that…well…you decide:

User:  “I would like a mousemat please”
Tech: “Here you go, you can choose from these ones”
User: “Yes, but which one is compatible with my computer”

Tech: “Ok, I need you to double-click the My Computer Icon”
User: “You know, this is why I hate this Windows thing – I am protestant and don’t believe in Icons”
Tech: “It’s an industry term, I don’t believe it was intended to -”
User: “- I don’t care about industry terms…I don’t believe in icons”
Tech: “Ok, ok…then can you click the little picture that says My Computer…is ‘Little Picture’ ok?
User: “*CLICK*”

User: “My printer isn’t working”
Tech: “Ok, I need you to be a little more specific – In what way isn’t it working?”
User: “It won’t print my document”
Tech: “Is it a Word document or another program?”
User: “Program?  It’s a physical document..in my hand”
Tech: “Ah, so it’s a scanner problem then?”
User: “Yes, scanner, that must be the problem, my scanner isn’t working”
Tech: “Do you know what model of scanner you have and could you tell me what you are doing to scan it?”
User: “Model?  I don’t know…it’s 17 inch though.  I am holding my document to the scanner and pressing print screen”
Tech: “Would this scanner be very bright and also show you words on the screen?”
User: “That’s the one”
Tech: “*ahem* I think your scanner could be broken. why don’t you bring the document to us and we can scan it for you…”

Overheard in a Service Desk office: “No sir, clicking on the ‘Remember Password’ button will not help YOU remember the password”

Tech: “If you could just close all of your open windows, we can start to find out what is going on”
User: “Ok, hang on”
NOISE OF PHONE BEING PUT ON DESK – 2 Minutes Pass
User: “Done, all the windows are closed – I left the doors open though, is that ok?”
Tech: “….”

User: “I have a recycle bin on my computer…how often do Microsoft send someone round to empty it?”

Tech: “What kind of computer do you have?”
User: “A black one”

User: “I would like to buy a replacement coffee cup holder”
Tech: “Umm, sorry but this is the computer support line”
User: “I know, I broke the coffee cup holder that you supplied with my computer”
Tech: “We don’t supply coffee cup holders with our computers”
User: “Yeah you do, it pops out when you press a button”
Tech: “….”

From a tech support urban legend perspective, the following is the all time classic.  As it turns out, this is a real report…all except for the end bit (which is listed as what the technician *wanted* to say):

Tech: “Word Perfect Support; may I help you?”
User: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Tech: “What sort of trouble??”
User: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Tech: “Went away?”
User: “They disappeared.”
Tech: “Hmm So what does your screen look like now?”
User: “Nothing.”
Tech: “Nothing??”
User: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Tech: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??”
User: “How do I tell?”
Tech: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??”
User: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Tech: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
User: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Tech: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
User: “What’s a monitor?”
Tech: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??”
User: “I don’t know.”
Tech: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”
User: “Yes, I think so.”
Tech: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
User: “Yes, it is.”
Tech: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??”
User: “No.”
Tech: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
User: “Okay, here it is.”
Tech: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
User: “I can’t reach.”
Tech: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??”
User: “No.”
Tech: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??”
User: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
Tech: “Dark??”
User: “Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Tech: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
User: “I can’t.”
Tech: “No? Why not??”
User: “Because there’s a power failure.”
Tech: “A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??”
User: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Tech: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
User: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Tech: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
User: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??”
Tech: “Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer!!!!!”

So there you have it, my life from Monday will undoubtedly  be filled with such wondrous conversations…and I am still looking forward to it Smile

Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller:              ’Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller:              ’Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator:         ‘Went away?’
Caller:              ’They disappeared.’
Operator:         ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller:              ’Nothing.’
Operator:         ‘Nothing??’
Caller:              ’It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller:              ’How do I tell?’
Operator:         ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller:              ’What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller:              ’There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller:              ’What’s a monitor?’
Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’
Operator:          ’Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller:              ’Yes, I think so.’
Operator:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller:              ’Yes, it is.’
Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ’Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator:          ’Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator:          ’Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ’Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller:               ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator:          ’Dark??’
Caller:               ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
‘ Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t.’
Operator:          ’No? Why not??’
Caller:               ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator:  ’A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller:               ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator:           ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller:                ’Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator:            ’Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller:                 ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator:            ’Tell them you’re too -—ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!’

Artful Dodgers?

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please sir, may i have some more...Since I have been in the UK visiting the kids, my Mum has a bit of a morning routine before work, which culminates in watching a show called “Saints and Scroungers”.  Now that my Mum and Dad have gone on holiday, I have found myself watching it too.  It’s a show dedicated to people that genuinely need financial help from the government, and those who are basically stealing from it.

It never ceases to amaze me what people will do if there is a chance of a bit of extra cash.  There was a guy who had an accident at work, which resulted in him having a bad back (a recurring theme)..he filled out every claim he was (theoretically) entitled to, stating that it was a struggle to walk and get around etc.  The government duly paid all of his claims on a weekly/monthly basis and the poor soul was happy to be able to live his life.  One anonymous tipoff later, and the fraudulent claims department were investigating.  It’s all a bit cloak and dagger, but they are allowed to run surveillance, and when they gather enough evidence, have unrestricted access to bank and tax records, and in some cases can search the home of the person under investigation.  It turns out that this idiot, whilst claiming he could barely walk, was a FIFA qualified football referee (getting paid) and was a marathon runner…..A MARATHON RUNNER!  He had his name in the papers, had ran for a number of high profile charities…he had even allowed himself to be interviewed for local news FFS!  Now, I have never claimed a benefit in my life that I wasn’t entitled to..so I guess I could take the moral high ground here and give this guy a proper slagging for being a thief and scum etc etc etc….I won’t though…what I will do is call him a moron.  A cretin of the highest order that should be removed from the gene pool for pollution.  As it stands, he got 2 years in prison and has to pay back £100,000.

I am not condoning scamming the system but, if I were so inclined, I would damn well make sure that I wasn’t claiming disability benefit if I was…oh I don’t know…say…RUNNING 5 MILES EVERY DAY TO STAY IN SHAPE….you know, just to use a random example that popped into my head.  Dear god, I am surprised he didn’t apply for a job with the Fraudulent Claims Department…whilst still claiming..it would have been less obvious than being on the news. 

 The other one that stands out is actually pretty scary.  Picture the scene, Chavvy Grannie and Chavvy Grandad are wandering around…they look like standard British pensioners that don’t have a lot of cash.  They go up the high street of a morning, buy the paper, have a cup of tea at the local cafe…and then wend their merry way back home.  Nothing unusual there right?  Wrong…it turns out that Chavvy Granny and Grampy are identify fraudsters…and have around 80 claims in different names that they are collecting money on regularly, and another 140 that they claim on from time to time.  They are pulling in £250,000 a year from this and have been running it for 4 years.  A million quid!!!!  Let’s look at them again.  Check out Chavvy Granny, sporting the latest teacosy on the head, weathered brown swede jacket and trousers from Oxfam.  Chavvy Grandad is on the high street catwalk in fashions that you, dear reader, can achieve at very modest prices….grandad shirt from Primark, brown button up cardigan from…well…the 1950′s and a pair of your very finest corduroy house slippers.  Definitely a couple of millionaires living it up.

They raided their house and they found very well ordered files and storage, detailing each and every identity.  Basically, they went through old papers for people that died in the 60′s and information from family members that had emigrated around the same time…applied for birth certificates to be sent and started using their identities.  Pretty clever, even keeping a low profile was clever…that said, getting a million quid and staying in the country…moronic in the extreme.  So, not only did they not spend any of the (substantial amounts) money that they scammed….they get to spend the next 5 years in jail for their trouble aswell as having to pay it all back.

With that amount of money, they could have been living in another country and flying in every week or so to collect…at least then they could have gone somewhere posh for their clothes for once..like TK Maxx for example.

So, I don’t know about you but, I am going to start training for the marathon, take up one-legged polka dancing, learn to kill a man using only my little toe and start filling out the paperwork immediately..using names created by this.  I should be a millionaire in a few weeks.

This is Nat Smurfling, signing out

TV ain't what it used to be…

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Scrappy Doo must die
Photo by Brett L.Just recently, I had the misfortune of watching the new Scooby Doo.  What happened to “I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for those meddlin’ kids”?  Whatever happened to thinking that Daphne was really an airhead bimbo and that if you could get those glasses off her, Velma was a right dirty little minx…that Fred was quite obviously gay and wondering what type of drug was actually in those Scooby Snacks?

Now it’s all cell shaded races and evil villains with far too much technology.  Bring back the days of the “gang” running down a corridor that had 1 window, a plant and a grandfather clock that would pass them every 2 seconds.  Frankly I would much rather have that annoying Scrappy Doo on repeat, than put myself or my kids through this crap again.

I will admit that Spongebob is a genius but, other than that, where are all the quality..cheesy cartoons from days of yore?  Gone is the mild mannered janitor of Hong Kong Phooey fame…no more “Your bullets cannot harm me, my wings are like a SHIELD of STEEEEEL” from Batfink.  Even the Saturday morning kids shows are full of watered down, “Everyone is a winner” ponces that are desperate to get on “I used to be a celebrity, get me some publicity” or “Celebrity Big Let Down” or whatever the latest nonsensical reality TV bollocks is.  Bring back Richard “Smackhead” Bacon…that’s what the kids want, someone with an edge…that their parents can hate…in fact I intend to start a campaign to bring back Tiswas.

Now, I am aware that Chris Tarrant went on to be that annoying git on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire..but I can forgive him anything as a result of Tiswas.

Tizwas was a pretty anarchic show for Saturday morning kids TV.  The Dying Fly, Spit the Dog, the Phantom Flan Flinger and Gunge…they invented GUNGE for crying out loud, they had it all.  Take 1 celebrity, who thinks that they should be beefing up their self-important profile by connecting with the kids…and cover them in crap…then get the Phantom Flan Flinger to run up and mash a custard pie in their face and after all of that, drop more crap all over them.  I actually knew kids whose parents wouldn’t let them watch it.  Maybe they were right though, I am pretty sure that a whole generation of rebels were born thanks to that show.   You could take your Jimmy Crankie and Stuart “Ooh, I could crush a grape” Francis, with their oh so “On the Edge” Crackerjack and shove it up yer lady bits “Jimmy”.  Tiswas was…and still could be…where shit got real.

Check it out for yourself….they had The Who!!!  The Who ffs…on a kids TV show :

It wasn’t all great though, we did have to put up with Noels Multi-Coloured Swap Shop, featuring Keith “Cheggers Plays Pop” Chegwin…would later star in Cheggers Plays Pop and then in his own Alcoholics Anonymous campaign.

What about you?  Have you seen anything from your childhood butchered into a “more modern version”?

I’m off to overdose on Tiswas and send letter bombs to Hannah Barbaric for this shite they dare to peddle as Scooby Doo.

Back once again…

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Just recieved another Facebook group invitation…for the renegade master (apologies for the terrible 80′s song reference).

Ok, ok, it’s been a while…I know this, you know this…and yet I write it anyway.

So what has been happening in the land of the Laughing Wolf?  Well..I am officially now bumming around Frankfurt as I am out of work.  It’s not as bad as I thought it might be at first and it is giving me a chance to recharge and more importantly….reflect.

I am giving serious consideration to an out and out break from IT…provided I can support myself and my kids.  I have been under unbelievable stress for the last two years, and am not entirely sure that I want that for myself anymore.  The only problem is living in Germany..once they get your CV at the unemployment place, they pretty much will only consider you for positions that you are skilled for.  Not too much of a problem in normal circumstances and certainly better than being sent to apply for a job as an underwater basket weaver or something when you are in the UK.

Admittedly, I am now being forced into some serious belt tightening exercises..something I have always allowed my ample girth to stop me from doing up until now Wink

Now onto rant mode….Facebook.

At what point do we think that you can update too much?  Could it be when you feel the need to wish Happy Birthday to your 2 year old.  Not announcing that it is the birthday of your 2 year old, I can kind of understand that…especially if you are horrendously busy trying to prepare a party etc…but actually wishing Happy Birthday to him.  I mean, does he have an active Facebook profile?  If he does then you are raising one ignorant super-genius kid…they didn’t even say thanks.

That said, you did manage to achieve a relatively high number of “Dickhead likes this” thumbs ups though…way to go!  Are we really saying that these people like the fact that your child has managed to get to the age of 2?  Do they doubt your parenting so much that they feel they should celebrate when anything you have to rear  lasts more than 2 weeks….sure you can’t seem to even keep a cactus alive more than 5 minutes and your back garden is what Steven King based Pet Sematary on, but still….feed them, change them, play with them, make sure they go to school (eventually…especially if you don’t want to end up in jail) and you can’t go wrong really..

It gets right on my tits….people will facebook or twitter every time they or some snot nosed relative manages to wipe their own arse unaided, like it’s a bloody masters graduation ceremony or something.

It’s almost as bad as joining a group, where the criteria for doing so seems to lie entirely with making sure that the group is exactly the sort of group that people on your friends list think you should be joining.  We will ignore the fact that 99% of these groups have absolutely zero affiliation outside of Facebook itself, so they are all just pat yourself on the back self-sanctimonious coffee house smoke filled crap.  You would be aswell to forward on those fucking chain emails that insist that Microsoft will donate £2,000,000 to the Society for Anaemic Grasshopper-Legged Lesser Spotted Wombat Conjuctivitis Research Center in Botswana, for every message forwarded.

Yeah, let’s make a group to protect the <INSERT PERSON AND/OR GROUP> of <INSERT LOCATION> from <INSERT TRAVESTY HERE> because a group of lifeless, friendless tossers who have stopped leaving the house for anything less than mini kievs can succeed where the police and/or government fucking couldn’t…you care..we get it…we do honestly.

If you do follow this notion and decide that joining these groups is really your thing….please don’t expect me to join, or even be grateful for, the 20 or so a day that you spam me with.  It doesn’t make me care less…it really doesn’t.  Let’s be honest, if I have managed to spurn the advances of the combined might of Viagra/Cialis and any number of tempting weightloss and penis enlargement patches…you can imagine how little chance groups, with titles and descriptions WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN CAPS or with teribal missspelingz everwere, stand.

Hmm that felt good….maybe I should get back into this blogging malarky properly

This rant brought to you by an LW idea Smile  Cheers matey, I look forward to destroying Frankfurt with you in a few weeks

Job Agencies

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laserWorking in IT means that in 90% of job hunting scenarios, you will be utilising the services of a job agency.  After some time, your CV will be basically everywhere.  This is a good thing and leads agencies to get in contact with you when they feel they have something that meets your requirements.

Even when you aren’t looking for work, there is a deep satisfaction and a nice ego massage when someone calls/emails to say “We want you”.  That said, I have been recently contacted to see if I would be interested in a number of positions that I don’t think I am entirely suited for..

Web Development Manager
Senior Corporate Counsel
Financial Director

It’s quite an impressive and spectacularly annoying failure on the part of their software I think.  Clearly they are just scanning the CV for any of the words…seemingly contained in the dictionary and when they find a hit, send me a frickin email.

My personal fave though has to be a recent email for the position of Thunderhead Developer.  I mean, I like Thunder and I have a head…but I certainly don’t have either of those things on my CV, not even in my decidedly boring hobbies and interests section.  Or maybe I am being recruited by a Bond villain as a henchman evil designer.  Trying to develop the latest and greatest Moon based giant laser beam and shark tank combo.  I could help with the interior design of the Volcanoe hideaway and recruit other henchmen to do my evil masters bidding.

I could even become his (or her…let’s face it, women have the greater capacity for evil anyway) right hand man, you know..taking over the duties when they are on holiday, or incarcerated in a maximum security cryogenics facility.

Anyway, back to the job agencies…I think I will amend my CV and have keywords hidden in white, 2pt text at the bottom.  So far I am thinking “Evil, Kidnap, Lair, Sharks, Laser, Moon and kittens”.   Should be interesting to see what they email me about after that lot.

In other news, I will try and get back to blogging more frequently…I just keep getting distracted and frankly the distractions are more interesting than writing anything Wink