What is the world coming to?

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Pigeons speed eating yesterdayI realise that I could pretty much go anywhere and write anything about this title.  I could, but this is more a post about stupidity.  Some time ago a Mr Lewis Napper, in the US, felt that people could benefit to having a Bill of No Rights to work alongside the Bill of Rights that exists.  For those of you interested, you can find it here.  I read this a long time ago, and have always thought it was pretty funny, but wondered who it was really for…surely people can’t need this sort of thing…people aren’t that stupid…are they?

Well, apparently they are.  Whilst looking at my iGoogle page today, I noticed this in the How To of the Day box.

What the....?

Now, linking to a particular time in a Youtube video…pretty useful for some people.  Replacing the screen on an iPhone…again, pretty handy How To right there.  However, let’s focus on the 3rd option.

5 tips for eating slower.

Seriously!?!

5 tips for eating slower?

This is what we have been reduced to as a species?  The topic alone made me die a little inside, and I had to follow the link, praying that I would find a deeply ironic pisstake of a post from a blogger that would become my new fave…and all would be well with the world.

Unfortunately not…the article is quite serious.  It also lists 6 tips…so not a great start from such a conscientious and helpful author.   I will list the  5 tips in 6 parts below…

1 Set aside some time to eat

They suggest not watching television as an example.  Make sure you focus on eating and only eating.  Now I don’t know about you…I would expect that being fully focussed on eating is more likely to make you eat faster…not slower.  The key surely has to be distraction.  I recommend watching a movie on your ipod, chatting on MSN with a friend, watching TV and reading a book…each bite you take will be at lightning speed, but you will take 5 minutes between bites.  Thus extending the dining experience indefinitely.

2 Opt for meals with a variety of flavours and textures

It would appear that they believe that having bland food makes you wolf it down too quickly.  I would argue that the opposite is true…surely.  If I am having the same old same old, I am more likely to take my time than if I have something that hits the tastebuds and has you drooling at how nice it is.  I get that it *could* make you savour the new flavours some more, but in all likelihood, it will taste better than the normal crap you eat and will make you bolt it down.

3 Use smaller utensils

Which is completely pointless.  This will just make you shovel food into your face twice as fast, but with half the portion…so no gain at all…and chopsticks?  Give me a break…the only time chopsticks ever slows anyone down, is if they are eating soup…and possibly blancmange.

4 Put down your utensils between bites

Ok, so this one could actually work…provided you leave them down for longer than it takes to masticate your way through the mouthful….

5 Set a minimum number of chews for each bite

Again, not something I can see actually slowing you down too much…I personally get bored easily, so forcing myself to count to 15 chews or something would get old…fast.  Mine would be something like   1………2………3………4…5…6…7..8.9.101112131415.  Not really slowing me down all that much when you think about it.  Also not good if you set it too high and are eating something that loses flavour really quickly…you need to get that chew/taste balance right so that you swallow at the optimum enjoyment moment….not chewing something into a flavourless paper mache substance.  That said, this might cause you to stop eating…the only thing likely to have ANY effect on weight loss.

6 Deliberately taste your food

Seriously?  Even the most tastebud damaged curry enthusiast will taste their food (pelican’esque gullet gulping notwithstanding of course).  They probably mean savour…but still, savouring is in the mouth of the eater….I enjoy my food, I even savour it from time to time, but I don’t take 2 hours a plateful to do it.

Apparently all this is an aid to weight loss…how????  You are eating exactly the same thing…just more slowly.  Assuming that you finish the plate, and that your portions don’t change….IT’S THE SAME!

Also, there is an additional tip that states you should grow your own food…I think, right there, the author finally hit the nail on the head..that would most definitely slow me down…waiting for that bit of garnish to finish growing before eating my steak…and this would definitely aid weightloss…in a very successful (albeit terminal) way.

Secret Ingredients

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Swine Flu Anyone?
Photo by Ben ChauCW hasn’t been very well and for once it isn’t something she got from me.  Oh, and for the dirty minded amongst you, I mean she has a cold…or swine flu, possibly..nothing else.

I have been trying to do the caring boyfriend bit…you know guys, trying to persuade her to have a sleep to feel better…thus leaving you free to do your thang without running around all day (j/k CW).  However, there appears to be another way, one guaranteed to make someone feel better, at least there is according to my youngest, Brandon.

Brandon: “Make her some hot chocolate Dad, that always makes you better”

Me: “I would son, but I don’t have any in the apartment”

Brandon: “So go to the shop and get some Dad”

Me: “I am in Germany and it is Sunday…all the shops are closed”

Brandon: “Were the shops open yesterday?”

Me: “Yes, all the shops are open on a Saturday”

Brandon: “So why didn’t you get some Hot Chocolate then?”

Me: “Umm, well, CW wasn’t ill yesterday, so I didn’t know I needed some”

Brandon: *sighs* “Well, you can make your own you know…and it will make her better”

Me: “I can?  Great, how do I do that then?”

Brandon: “Ok, you need to get some coffee, tea bags, milk, sugar, flour and chocolate”

Me: “Riiiight…and what do I have to do then?”

Brandon: “You put the coffee and the tea and the flour together with some sugar and mix it all together.  Then put milk in all the way to the top, and then put it in the microwave for 10 minutes”

Me: “10 minutes?  Really?  That seems like a long time”

Brandon: “Not really, put it in the microwave and count to 10″

Me: “10 seconds, gotcha..then what?”

Brandon: “You gotta stir it, then put more sugar in and stir it again and put some chocolate in”

Me: “Ok, anything else?”

Brandon: “No, she just needs to drink it and she will feel better”

Now, I have to say that I can’t recommend this particular homemade Hot Chocolate enough…as soon as I told CW what I was going to make her, she started feeling a little better…imagine how much better she would have felt if I had been able to make it before she fell asleep.

Still, good to know for the future….and something tells me that CW may not get sick for a while Wink

Anyone else got any interesting recipes from their kids?

Discombobulatory ramblings

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Movable Type galley. Galera con tipos móviles.
Photo by Xosé CastroI don’t know if I can say that I am completely suffering from writers block right now…writers malais possibly, writers half a job definitely…the problem I have is that I have ideas…see things, hear things that would normally dump me in front of my PC for a decent writing session.  Now, having ideas is not a bad thing, and definitely suggests that I am not blocked..but therein lies the trouble.  I can’t seem to get a cohesive post together about any of them…or when I do, it becomes a couple of paragraphs and consigned to the draft posts cold storage…never to return.

With that in mind, I thought I would just throw a few things in a post, lest these things never see the light of day at all

Oil Paintings
Today I saw, what can only be described as, the inspiration for every witch every artistically rendered.  Proper, proper ugly…hooked nose, sunken eyes…warts on the face, the whole shebang.  If you visited her house in the evening and she had one of those green facemasks on, that they always show in the movies, you would scream your bleedin’ head off…and possibly set fire to her.

Now, those of you that no me would probably say that I am not exactly Johnny Depp myself..followed by a series of bleeding heart “someone for everyone” and “beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder” nonsense..but seriously, proper ugly…I saw one guy actually stop eating his lunch after she smiled at him** Mothers and Fathers were shuffling their kids off to one side (in fairness, not out of fear of the childs trauma…more out of fear of kids propensity for pointing out things that parents DO NOT want pointing out).

Now, I am not suggesting that she should never leave the house again (unless she wants to), all I am doing is pointing out the wide range of technological advances that have been made in the home delivery arena…nothing more.

Football fans
Are rarely as bad as you think (at least not these days).  Some time ago, I took Zak and Brandon to a Liverpool match here in Germany.  It was only a friendly, so I didn’t really anticipate a full house, especially in the travelling Kop.  I was pleasantly surprised (and a little apprehensive) to see a full visitors section of over 700 fellow reds.

The kids were in awe, and having a great time…and when we went a goal down, a particularly hardened and haggard (old) fan, started chanting some rather abusive anti-german slogans.  He was all on his own, and immediately told to shut it by the rest of the fans.  Other fans took it in turns putting Zak and Brandon on their shoulders and making sure that they had room to stand etc..it was amazing, a proper family atmosphere.

There were a couple of stand-out moments though…bearing in mind that Liverpool fielded a team of people who weren’t even going to feature in the coming season, and in some cases…ever again.  Firstly, as I said..it was a sell out…but it was also a sell out for the home fans too…and it would appear that they were there to see us, the LFC fans.

LFC fans always sign You’ll Never Walk Alone both before the kick off and just before the game ends.  We were a couple lines into it when I realised that the whole stadium was silent, apart from us lot singing.  I thought it was a little strange, but carried on regardless..as you do.  When we finished..their fans gave us a standing ovation…it was bloody mental.  The second stand-out moment can be put down to the cultural differences between fans from different nations.  In the UK, stadium announcers announce the squad one by one.  Each name is read out in full and the crowd cheer or boo respectively (depending on which team you follow).  In Germany, the stadium announcer announces the first name of each player…and the crowd chant their last name.

So, in a perfect world in England…it goes something like this:

Announcer:  Number 9, Fernando TORRES
Crowd:  YEAHWOOOPRARGONANDOYEAH etc

In Germany, this would be:
Announcer:  Number 9, Fernando
Crowd:  TORRES!!

At this particular match, therefore, it went something like this:

Announcer:  Number 9, Fernando
Crowd:  YEAHWOOPRARGONA…uh, hey what the TORRES..RES

I love football me

Why do fools….
…irritate me so much?  I can’t quite pinpoint the moment where my intolerance outgrew my tolerance.  I guess it could be age and I am just on the wonderful route to being a grumpy old man..which isn’t too bad as I hear that it means that I get a country for myself***.  I think I am still holding onto some vestiges of my previous easygoing nature, but more and more I find myself hitting rant mode (as anyone reading this blog recently will no doubt have noticed).  It could be something little like repeatedly pressing the open door button on the train whilst it is still moving, only to then not press it at all when, wait for it, THE GREEN LIGHT COMES ON TO TELL YOU TO!.  Maybe I have just reached an age where I expect a certain level of intelligence from the people around me, or maybe I am just a miserable git who expects everything to happen how I would do it…but is that so wrong – I mean, my ways clearly work….mostly Razz

It isn’t like I am really asking for much.  A little courtesy…some of my seat being available to me and not taken up by YOU with the giant paper to, no doubt, show your importance to the rest of the train.  Papers are sooo last decade anyway..you should at least be annoying everyone with incessant, psuedo-important, phonecalls and constant checking of the latest jokes important work related emails from your colleagues.  Or the smokers that insist on sparking up on the platforms in the No Smoking train stations, and worse than that….in the trains themselves.

The rocket scientists smoking dope on the street…not even remotely covering it up.  The police that check my ID for 40 minutes when doing a random bar check…and try to stop me going outside for a smoke…even though they HAVE MY ID.  Or worse, the guy that was playing with a knife right in front of the police officers when he was told that he couldn’t go in the bar until they had finished, and on top of that decides to try and engage CW in conversation as if we were with him….moron.

What about the ridiculous contract situation with, well, pretty much anything over here.  Forget to cancel a few months before and it automatically renews for a year (or two) with no method of cancelling except paying in full.  The way that you are supposed to be greatful for being allowed to pay for their service.  The ability to freeze your accounts for a €10 bill….fortunately not something I have dealt with.

I could go on and on…and I am speaking from a position of loving the country that I am in Smile

You have to be Joker’ing…
…right?

I read a while ago that Batman fans feel that Heath Ledgers portrayal of the Dark Knights arch nemesis was so good, that they want to retire the character and not allow any more Joker related storylines for any future movies.

Now, forgetting the fact that the Joker is arguably the best villain in the Batman story arcs, meaning that stopping useage of the character would effectively kill the Batman series…Penguin anyone?  No..you liked him, ok, what about Mr Freeze?  Need I say more?  Still, I said we would forget that though.  So my opinion is this, Heath Ledger was a great Joker…a superb Joker in a great film…but the definitive Joker?  I don’t think so…and I genuinely believe that the discussion wouldn’t have even arisen if he hadn’t died.  I actually thought that Jack Nicholson was at least as good as Ledger in the role…but all of them, including any that may come in the future, pale into insignificance when compared to Cesar Romero…the quintessential Joker if you will.  This man played the original Joker on the Batman TV show..alongside, may I say, probably the finest Batman ever portrayed.  You want “Faithful to the comic books”?..these guys even had the Zapp, Kerpow, Zing, Splats that were daubed all over comics of the time.  Gen-I-Arse I tellsya.  Can’t beat it…

There were others, but some of them were deleted and others were…well…shite.

Smile

** Ok, ok…that would be me….but still!!
*** Sorry, couldn’t resist

The power…

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The Bin - 2 inches too far to the left as you can clearly see!!
Photo by philcampbellWell, it’s official…in case you didn’t already realise.  Blogs have power, real..actual..honest to goodness power.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/somerset/8332616.stm

Apparently, a particularly aggressive blogger in a town in the UK forced pretty much all of the local council to resign, due to “Impossible Working Conditions”.

Sensitive much?

Now, I am under no illusions about my tales of drunken friends exploits with women, rants about Facebook and drunken ramblings throughout my life.  I don’t feel that they would impact anyone in a positive or negative way…except maybe my parents opinion of me.  I am pretty sure that nothing that I could write…even if I were to do so repeatedly…could cause somone to resign from their job.  Especially not 11 people….and certainly not if they are in government ffs.

Governments are more targetted than celebrities…more targetted than a certain Michael Owen returning to Liverpool for the first time, so you can’t seriously tell me that they had never received abuse before.  I suspect that it could be the “straw that broke the camels back” and all that, but still.

Reading through the blog, the guy is quite clearly blowing things out of all proportion…this is exactly the kind of guy that, before blogs, would have been (and probably still is) writing letters every day about how his dustbin is the wrong shade of green, the bus stop sign is twisted 2 degrees to the left… and that his calls for meals on wheels to deliver prostitutes and viagra are going unheeded.  Lots of accusations of secrecy, conspiracy theories, china like communism and calling the people there scum (a lot).  I don’t know about you, but I can imagine that this guy would have wrote at least 2 letters a day regarding what he sees as transgressions…which leaves even the most tolerant of people desensitised to his plight.

Think of the JFK assassination…the first time you saw that footage of the President slumping to one side, his wife frantically trying to see if he is ok, the Secret Service agent jumping on the back of the car to try and protect his charge…you have to admit, it’s terrible…horrible, unconscionable.  The three hundred and first time you see the footage you start to think…hey, Nice Convertible!!  Aww…don’t do that, you can never get blood out of that type of upholstry!

It happens, it’s human nature.  Honestly, what did he expect?

Now, I am not saying that he doesn’t have some real, genuine issues that need to be looked into and resolved…everyone in any hamlet/village/town/city and country does…and, to be fair, it’s not like he was picketing the offices and egging their houses…he wrote a blog.  A blog that, I suspect, most of Somerton had never heard of until these council workers decided to give him some validation and not to mention the ignomy of being plastered all over the interwebs as spineless yellow cowardy cowardy custards.

My advice to them..take back your resignations…grow a spine, do your jobs and start using the internet properly (ie searching for porn)…it’s not rocket science…ignore this idiot and he will go away (not a tactic that will work against me however, dear readers).

Damnit…writers block is a bitch….I am working a couple of night shifts this week, so maybe my sleep deprivation will deliver some old school TLW posts…

Fingers crossed.

In case you were wondering…

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Y…where chainletters and their ilk had gone to…wonder no more.

As far as I can tell, they all seem to have migrated over to that wondrous and oft ranted about (by me at least) site, Facebook.  I am not entirely sure when this happened…I used to enjoy learning how my forwarding an email to 20 people in 5 minutes could save the Lesser spotted 6 year old missing child with half a lung, 2 days to live and projectile leprosy.  Now it’s all depressingly accurate weight loss, hair gain and penis enlargement.

I mean, I enjoy being a part of change as much as the next man…or at least the one after him, but I do prefer to lend my (not inconsiderable) weight to issues that have real and plausible solutions.

I do not subscribe to the belief that the CEO of Facebook is reading every group that is created (with the apparent exception of the I automatically hate the new facebook homepage group…because that is, in fact, genius..especially when half the people joining don’t appear to get the joke.  That said, it is probably more likely than some of the other “JOIN ME AND MICROSOFT WILL GO BANKRUPT!!!!!111eleven” groups out there.

If the CEO of Facebook, Mark SugarMountain, created a group himself…then, and only then, could anyone make a statement that joining that group will achieve whatever is stated.

Mind you, ZS pointed out that joining these groups is “kinda like some people trying to get laid in the anglo…but hey, it’s good for business”…which I can’t really argue with.

So with all that in mind…I have created a group that is guaranteed to do exactly what it says…click here to join.

An honest group…whatever next?

BBC Song Analysis Fail

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Men at Work
Photo by Red~CyanGo and have a look at this article by the BBC.  No, it’s ok I can wait.

Now, does that look like an article that tells you “What the Men at Work song Down Under is all about”…no, absolutely not.  Sure, they explain a couple of the terms…and they even manage to speak to the writer of the song himself…and it still leaves you with a sense of…well…nothing.

I wouldn’t normally have taken this on, but as an Englishman I feel it my duty to clean up the mess that the BBC have made.  Fear not Mother England, I will salvage the BBCs reputation…even at the expense of my own.

I bring you… Down Under by Men At Work

Traveling in a fried-out kombi
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous
She took me in and gave me breakfast

Now, I will go as far as to agree with the BBC and state that, a fried-out kombi is indeed a vehicle..and not, as I first thought, a combination convection grill/microwave oven.  With that in mind…and seeing as those particular VW vans were the mainstay of hippy travel for many happy years, I would guess that the hippy trail also fits.

Quite how you follow a hippy trail is beyond me though, it probably goes in circles and stops a lot for “relaxation breaks”.  It will no doubt be littered with “doobies” and bio-degradable condoms…making following it a bit easier than first thoughts suggest.

Now we come to a problem.  If a strange lady makes you nervous, why oh why would you allow yourself to be taken in and given breakfast?  It makes no sense…well..unless you consider the “hippy trail” and the inevitable munchies that will occur…I suppose.

And she said,
Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.

Ok, so she is a little nosey…and has clearly heard bad things about Australia…namely their (apparently) sweaty  women and their (again, apparently) thieving men.  Personally I think she is going a bit far there..I mean, it was a very long time ago that Australia consisted of convicts.  I have a question though, what kind of place…that you can be taken in to, and served breakfast…wouldn’t be able to protect you from a thunderstorm?  Unless you had made some sort of breakfast faux pax…say, ketchup instead of brown sauce, asking for coffee instead of a cup of sweet tea or, worst of all…toast instead of fried bread.  Let’s face it, breakfast faux pax of this ilk deserve severe punishment, and being thrown out into a thunderstorm suggest getting off very lightly.

Buying bread from a man in brussels
He was six foot four and full of muscles
I said, do you speak-a my language?
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich

I always suspected that Brussels is the root of all evil.  Claiming that a banana isn’t one because it didn’t bend enough, stating that we can’t call sausages…sausages, same for chocolate.  Bastards the lot of em.  And here we finally have the proof…some musclebound evil sociopath, handing out Vegemite sandwiches with a malevolent grin on his face…He probably even advertised them as Marmite..just to entice people to have them.  Bastard

And he said,
I come from a land down under
Where beer does flow and men chunder
Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.

Ahh, so our evil Brusselian sociopath is claiming to be an Aussie.  I’m not entirely sure that he could convince anyone that wasn’t on the hippy trail…but hey, you can only convince what’s in front of you I suppose.  However, he is now essentially stating that Aussies can’t drink…which has admittedly been my experience, but you expect a little bit of national pride here.  Also, I can only assume that Australia never gets thunderstorms…like, ever!  I mean, they are all bleedin’ terrified of the things.  All this running and taking cover…it’s thunder ffs…christ on a rope, I can’t imagine their reaction if there was some bloody lightning.

Lying in a den in bombay
With a slack jaw, and not much to say
I said to the man, are you trying to tempt me
Because I come from the land of plenty?

Bombay…man this guy gets about a bit doesn’t he.  I mean, hippies are normally so tanked up that they “visit the world” purely in their mind, so for one to move around so much…strange to say the least.  He appears to be visiting bombay with a slack jawed redneck too…which is nice.  Is Australia really the land of plenty though?  Plenty of sunburn I suppose…Plenty of things in the water designed to kill you too (thanks Dylan Moran)…plenty of what “Men at Work”, plenty of what?  The public needs to know…well, I do at least.

And he said,
Oh! do you come from a land down under? (oh yeah yeah)
Where women glow and men plunder?
Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover

Well, it would seem that the good people of Bombay would struggle to deal with storms too, although the rumours of sweaty women and all the men being burglars, seems to have reached there too.  Oh well, no smoke without fire I suppose…

So there you have it, not my best song analysis…but to be fair, look at what I was working with people….seriously.

Men At Work, try working at trying harder to make sense.

I am off for a chunder after a zombie in a combi in Bomb…i  Oops!

Run for your lives….

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Basta de Mentiras!!!
Photo by ∞N KatuM∞Bird flu?  Pah, I fire small BB gun pellets and knock it out of the sky.  Swine flu?  Don’t bother me with such trivia, I cut it into pieces and serve breaded with a nice mushroom sauce.  Your pitiful animal based illnesses wouldn’t make me breathe heavily…let alone become actually ill.

What I have is far, far worse.  As we speak they are setting up isolation tents all around Frankfurt.  Everyone coming into and out of the city have to go through a sheep dip type affair…just to be certain that they don’t allow this thing to escape.

That’s right…I have Man-Flu.  Head swimming (not in a good way), nostrils blocked, coughing up internal organs, blurred vision, headachy sort of man-flu.

This is never a good thing to happen when you just started working for a new company.  Nor is it the best idea to head back into work with all of the above symptoms slamming into you with monotonous regularity.

Still, it’s gotta be better than staying at home, in bed, with CW looking after me…right?   RIGHT?

Shit!

The might of "The 'mite"

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marmite love
Photo by chotdaNow…I am English, so this may be a little biased.  Let’s face it though, it doesn’t count as bias if I am right….which I am…so I won’t mention that further.

What the hell am I talking about?  Well, the constantly ongoing feud between the ‘mite fans..Vege (boo) and Mar (yey).  On the surface, two very similar products…crack open that yellow top though and you will find things much different.

Marmite, is more of a gloopy consistency which makes it easier to spread.  Whereas Vegemite is the same consistency of, say, earwax.  Speaking of earwax, that quite accurately describes the “taste sensation” of Vegemite.

Let’s put a myth to rest shall we, thanks to our wonderful Wikipedia friend.  Marmite has been produced since 1902 and Vegemite since 1922…and even managed to withstand the amazing idea to remarket Vegemite as Parwill (as in Marmite like it, but Parwill)…genius or what?  So Marmite is indeed the original AND the best.

Vegemite has never managed to take off outside of Australia, whereas Marmite is popular in most places…including Australia.

The Marmite slogan “Love it or Hate it” would never work with Vegemite…Be honest, “Hate it or Really Hate it” doesn’t offer much in the way of guaranteed sales.  It’s my theory that Vegemite sells so well (albeit in Australia) due to the human fascination of sharing horrible experiences.

You know what I mean…if you go to a restaurant and order something which ends up tasting disgusting…what’s the first thing you do??  You offer a mouthful to the person you are with and say.. “Here, taste this, it’s disgusting”, or something with a more colourful use of your chosen language.  Same as road accidents, you don’t want to look…but you might see a lopped off limb.

There you go, Vegemite is the roadkill of the foodstuff world.  Whereas Marmite is a versatile product that has been turned into crisp flavours, added to sausages, flavoured Twiglets and released in various other guises.  They even do a squeezy version…in direct comparison to the Vegemite marketing idea of making it look like one of those old tubs you find in a garage with some hideous substance inside, that noone knows what it is, but noone wants to throw away…just in case.

In a nuclear holocaust…cockroaches won’t actually survive as is the popular belief..because Vegemite will be the only foodstuff left untouched.  They will evolve into a lemming-like breed of weakling cockroaches, simply to avoid having to chow down on the stuff, they will throw themselves into the molten lava running through our cities.

So, a quick recap… Vegemite is

  • Disgusting

  • A bad copy of a great product, that arrived 20 years later

  • Unpopular outside of Australia

  • The foodstuff equivelant of a road accident

  • Reminscent of that tub of stuff you find in your garage but won’t open (or risk throwing away)
  • The only thing that could wipe cockroaches from the face of the planet***

Whereas Marmite is

  • Genius

So there you have it.

I am  glad I could clear that up in an analytical and, above all else, impartial way.

Razz

*** Not necessarily a bad thing….to be fair

Super Thumb ™

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Me as a Thumb (Nude)
Photo by ConektThe fighters back off, eyeing one another cautiously..waiting for each other to make the first move.  Somewhere, in the background, cries of encouragement for either fighter can be heard.

The tension increases, a bead of sweat trickles down the forehead…slowly, the American edges forward..tensed like a tiger, waiting to pounce on the slightest movement.  The Chinese fighter makes his move…..moving, spinning kicks at mind boggling speed… so the American waits, waits for the perfect moment to arrive, he ducks under the oncoming kick  and with a swift turn to face his opponent once more..only one sound can be heard

HADOUKEN

That’s right, Super Thumb ™ is victorious once more.  Taking on all challengers and with the ability to swell to 3 times his normal size… Super Thumb ™’s Street Fighter 4 skills no absolutely no bounds.  This skill comes at no small price though, his transformation from mere skilled player to Super Thumb ™ takes patience, concentration and no small amount of pain.

That’s right, I have been playing SF4 recently…not only that, I have been playing against CW…who has taken to it like a web footed flying creature to a large abundance of H2 and indeed O.  So much so that Super Thumb ™ may have bitten off more than he can chew…and indeed have found his arch villain nemesis.

CW, or “Spinny Spinny Girl ™” has never played this type of game before…so the inevitable ass-kicking was summarily handed out by my good self the other day.  The next day, however, was a slightly different barrel of spanners.  The ratio of ass kickings, delivered to recieved, got considerably closer after 1 day… are my skills waining ladies and gentlemen?

Probably, although I thank you for thinking it, as it suggests that I had skills to lose in the first place.  So yes, when tonight rolls around, I fully expect to be getting my arse kicked….repeatedly.  I have to ask myself a number of questions though…

Am I too old?

Quite possibly…they say you are as old as you feel…but by my reckoning, with all the aches and pains I seem to get…I don’t want that to be the case.  I don’t think you are ever too hold to have a laugh.

Am I just crap at fighting games these days?

These days??  My my, how the rose tinted glasses of the past seem to be snugly upon your face dear Dave….you were never that good to begin with.

Is it considered petty to tamper with CWs controller to swing things my way?

Probably…it shouldn’t be…but it probably is – Damnit!

Am I above doing it?
Probably not…I should be…but I am probably not – Arse!

Can she be distracted in some way?
That’s more likely…but there again…with my potentially lifeless pixellated body on-screen…a team of wild horses couldn’t get her to look away.  It’s the evil chuckling that gets to me…it really does

When exactly are they going to take gullible out of the dictionary?
Ok, so not necessarily relevant, but I heard it from a reliable source some years ago and, with each new revision of the dictionary, it’s still there…

All things considered, I will take the beating like a man…an emasculated girly man, but a man nonetheless…then I will have my revenge by installing Soldier of Fortune 2…muahahahahahaahahaaaaaaa

Well…at least until she beats me at that too

Eek!

Enquiry regarding voicemail button

Stupid…not descriptive enough

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Air India VT-ALD
Photo by Drewski2112So…whilst the airlines would have you believe that flying is safer than staying in bed (or something), the general public, and indeed some of the aircrew themselves, are determined to lay this safety myth to rest.

Apparently, claims of sexual harassment within a cockpit of an Air India flight erupted into a full on, fists flying encounter that spilled into the passenger area of the aircraft…no doubt reminiscent of any number of action movies.  You can’t beat a bit of argy Bhaji (you see what I did there??).  I had visions of the in flight film being Passenger 57, but displayed in 3D…which would then have the passengers believing that “This new 3D technology is sooo realistic”…or something.  The question that doesn’t seem to be being asked is about how it all started.

Ok, “Sexual Harassment Claims”…I get that bit.  When I first read it, I suspected that it happened months ago but, due to a fatal flaw in shift planning (or a sick sense of humour), the accuser and accusee where scheduled on the same flight.  However, it appears to have happened on the flight, where the woman (rightly so) reacted and then the Knights of the Small Cock(pit) had at it…one defending himself and his innocence, and the other defending the fair maiden in distress?  Whatever happend, punches were thrown and I think we can safely say that the passengers were grateful for Autopilots…and of course the extra in-flight entertainment.

Not so entertaining though, is the wonderful example of British womanhood that was on display flying from Greece to Manchester (explains a lot).  Apparently, two women managed to get onto a plane, pissed out of their heads…and with their own bottle of vodka that they were drinking when the aircrew denied them more from the in-flight bar.  One of them, being somewhat the worse for wear, decided that what she really needed was some “fresh air” and decided to open the door….at 10,000 feet.  Apparently, when the crew decided to restrain her, she started trying to batter people with the vodka bottle.  Klassy huh?.

Personally, I would have spoken to the captain…confirmed that a cabin depressurisation wouldn’t down the aircraft…advised all passengers to strap in, and then let her open the frickin’ thing.  Some people deserve to learn the meaning of consequence.

I am sure that even the most cursory google search would return about a million pages with examples of sheer bloody stupidity in the air.

Personally, I wouldn’t mind a bit of an “Air Adventure”…maybe the chance to rugby tackle an unruly passenger hellbent on killing us all, not through malice but, through sheer bloody minded stupidity.  What happened to people just getting in trouble for smoking in the toilet…after sex…with the pilot…during takeoff….whilst stealing wine from the trolley.

Times they appear to be a’changin’