Category Archives: JustFunny

Worlds worst?

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I am sure that some of you will remember a British TV show called “Whose Line Is It Anyway”.  Basically, it was a comedy improvisation show that featured a number of American and/or Canadian comedians with a token Brit thrown in from time to time…you know, just to remind people that we have a sense of humour.  It was hosted by Clive Anderson, but this didn’t stop it from being funny….

Anyway, the show regularly featured a segment called “Worlds Worst” where the “contestants” were given a topic and had to provide funny examples of the worlds worst version of it.  Check it out for yourself:

So why am I mentioning this?  Well, I stumbled across a news article with the headline “Smuggler who tied birds to legs awaits sentence”.

Now, let’s deal with first impressions.

Smuggler..ok, trying to get something that is illegal into another country.  Fair enough.

Tied bird to legs..what the fuck?  My initial thought was that he had tied some dead birds to his legs..some rare and protected species that would be sold for a small fortune on the black market in his travel destination.  A not altogether smart move, especially if there are dogs around the customs area..but still – I guess it could work…maybe.

Then I click the link..and read that this future Darwin Award winner had actually tied 14..yes 14 LIVE birds to his legs and ankles.  Here is the picture that proves it:

I mean, seriously, live birds?  HWorlds Worst?ow in the blue hell did this idiot expect to get them through..are they Lesser Spotted Mutes  or something?  What next, a kangaroo for a  jumper.  Maybe a live crocodile strapped to each foot or an albatross on his back so that he could claim to have drunk too much Red Bull.

Would he say that the chirpy chirpy cheep cheep was his false hip squeaking or something?  I am genuinely at a loss as to the thought process that went into this decision.  There had to be some serious drugs involved and a 4am decision made.

Full story

In other news, Stephen Hawking believes that Aliens are out there but “may pose risks”…apparently.

I should think they bloody will, especially if they have been observing us for any length of time and tuned in to any films about Aliens.

Not to mention the possibility of extraterrestrial germs infecting us.  You think bird flu is bad?  Wait until Zargon374 Space Syphilis turns up and starts wipeing out the planet based on a cultural misunderstanding alone.  Picture the scene, the UFO lands, Aliens get out (if they can avoid the redneck americans trying to shoot them) and the world leaders grab the Aliens by their 17 fingered right hand for the time honoured handshake photo opportunity…only to discover that Thralgor had stopped off at the brothel on Venus for a quick 5 minute backscuttle….and that the beings of Zargon374 have their sexual organs in the palm of their right hand-like appendage.

Governments will fall, wars will be raged and the price of penicillin will rocket to around ?2.3 billion per tablet…so yes Mr Hawking, I agree with you…these aliens are dangerous and I for one will be teaming up with as many shotgun wielding rednecks as I can find.

I don’t know about you, I am going to figure out how to hide these 200 coi carp on me for my next trip abroad and will probably be stocking up on Penicillin…a LOT of penicillin as, let’s face it, you never know.

Waxing lyrical…

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..again!

Today, inspired by nothing more than a promise to you, I have decided to analyse more lyrical masterpieces on a semi-regular basis (read: when I can think of one)…

Up first is the classic No Limits, written by the lyrical genius of Dutch prodigies 2 Unlimited.  Strap yourself in, they simply don’t write ‘em like this these days:

Lemme hear ya say yeah! (yeah!)
Lemme hear ya say yeah! (yeah!)

Clearly designed for the medium of live shows, this act of acknowledgement to the audience only serves to endear 2 Unlimited to us all, it also makes sure that everyone is suitably ready to rock out (possibly with their cock out, it’s too early to tell)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ,no ,no, no there’s no limit!
no, no, no ,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no there’s no limit!

It’s amazing when a band decides to hit you with such power and poignancy from the start…most bands like to build to their message, lull you with calming sounds and dance around the issues.  Not 2 Unlimited, they know their audience, they understand that people get them.  Clearly they are asking people to open their minds and not constrain themselves with the little things….such as talent.

No no limits, we’ll reach for the sky!
No valley to deep
No mountain too high
No no limits, won’t give up the fight!
We do what we want and we do it with pride

There we go you see, throw off the shackles of conformity and medocrity, reach as high as you can possibly go.  With deep valleys and high mountains, they are clearly trying to prepare you for the journey of life and need you to understand what trials and tribulations you may face.  Such strength of meaning, so often missing from todays music.

In the last part of this verse, they begin dealing with how you have to be strong in your own convictions, fight for your beliefs and rights and always, always remember to be proud of yourself and whatever you do.  Do what you want, do what you feel…let noone stand in your way.  You are powerful, you are amazing, you are a WINNER!

Lemme hear ya say yeah! (yeah!)

Now, you could be forgiven for wondering why they would repeat such the powerful statement from the beginning of the song here, but you would be wrong to do so.  Using this again is genius.  You have to remember that following that initial rendition of the chorus, most of the audience may well be weeping and/or away in their own thoughts.  To ensure that they come back to be able to fully appreciate the rest of this powerful song, 2 Unlimited choose to provide a lyrical slap around the face to bring the people back to reality..specifically so that they can do it to them again.  Not being content with strong lyrics and an up tempo beat, 2 Unlimited are masters of the eclectic and like to surprise their audience.  I present to you the first rap of the song:

Hard to the core, I feel the floor
When I’m on stage, yo, ya answer more
I’m on the edge, I know the ledge, I work real hard to collect my cash!
Tick tick ticka tick take your time, when I’m goin’ I’m goin’ for mine
Open your ears and you will hear it
I tell you this ’cause there’s no limit!

It is here that they really begin to relate to us, the normal people.  Feeling the floor is clearly representative that, despite there being no theoretical limits to what we can achieve (or indeed what 2 Unlimited have achieved),  it is important to stay grounded.   They show a real connection to the audience when referring to getting answers from “ya” (obviously maintaining their cool street vibe).  Staying grounded means dedication and hard work and the possibility of failure is something to be aware of (hence the ledge).  I am sure that they have been on many a ledge with people yelling jump…these people are naysayers and the fact that 2 Unlimited overcame this and managed to work hard, taking their time to achieve perfection and eventually recieved their just rewards for such perseverence.  The cash referred to here is clearly a metaphor for spiritual salvation, simply translated into something that we, the normal people, could relate to better.  It would have been too obvious and possibly even a little clich??d for them to ask you to open your mind so, 2 Unlimited recognising this, ask you to open your ears…listening is such an important skill.  Of course finally, they remind you of the purpose for delivering this message.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no ,no ,no, no, no, no there’s no limit!

Again, they are really driving home this valuable message to us all.  There are no limits, never forget that.

(CHORUS)

I won’t focus on the chorus again, it will be difficult to pull you back from your own thoughts, hopes and dreams were I to do so, and I couldn’t be held responsible for you not receiving the rest of this message.

Ow! Hey yay yeah hey hey! Now, now, hey yeah yeh hey hey! Hoo!

Ok, so here…they…umm, well.. clearly this is…joyful exuberance, yeah..joyful exuberance.  Unable to contain themselves, they take a leaf (albeit non-religious) out of the Gospel singers book and simply release their joy.  Got it?  Good.  I am glad you can follow as they move back into the medium of rap for the next verse.

No limits allowed
Cause there’s much crowd
Microphone check as I choose my route
I’m playing on the road
I’ve got no fear, the south from my mouth is on record here
There never will be no mountain too high
Reach the top, touch the sky!
They tried to diss me cause I sell out
I’m making techno and I am proud!

You see now, what they did..is.. arse..I mean…well they sort of spin this whole thing on its head don’t they.  Not only are there no limits as to what you can do, now they are saying that there are no actual limits allowed.  Sort of setting a limit on limits if you will.  It is this kind of paradoxical genius that sets 2 Unlimited apart.  The reason for limiting limits on limits?  Because there is much crowd apparently.  Much crowd meaning that…possibly….anyway, fuck it…moving on.

Microphone check as they choose their route and playing on the road is clearly a clever paraphrase on the “All the world’s a stage and the men and women merely players” quote.  There aren’t many lyricists that could so eloquently utilise the very words of Shakespeare himself and maintain a catchy beat.  I must confess to clearly being a philistine and of such small intellect that I am unable to penetrate the meaning of the rest of it.  I have consulted many texts and volumes of the worlds books and foremost literary genius, yet can find nothing that adequately allows me to understand the levels of spiritual enlightenment.

I simply allow the words to roll over me and feel the….. oh for fucks sake, it’s bollocks isn’t it.  It’s all bollocks.

(CHORUS)

What is it with this stupid fucking chorus?  God I hate this song….aaaaaAAAAAARRRRRRGH

*****

Next time, something by either Robbie Williams or The Wengaboyz….or you could make a suggestion in the comments I suppose.

Smile

If God told you to do it, it must be ok!

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EyetestI was told a story yesterday that has got to be worthy of a mention. It should also be pointed out that, A Division by Zer0 is writing about this too…but damnit I couldn’t pass up writing about it too.

Apparently the other night, MB returned home at around 3am after a session on the beer. Nothing unusual there you might think, but upon entering his domicile, he was confronted by a man….sitting on his couch….and using his computer.

Obviously, the initial “Is this my flat?” confusion and quickly stepping outside to confirm, was rapidly replaced by “WTF!”.  The guy, not content with being sat on someone elses couch at 3am, was remarkably calm.  I suspect that it was this apparent calmness that stopped MB from delivering retribution on a scale only measurable by his bodies alcohol content.  Then it dawned on him, the front door was locked as expected and MB had opened said door in the normal drunken manner (5 attempts to get key in the keyhole that seems to be moving and blurring in and out of focus).  All appeared to be well with the windows…no glass lying around.  How the hell did this miscreant get into the apartment?

Looking toward the kitchen area all was revealed.  This lunatic was actually the neighbour of MB and had cut a hole in the wall between the two apartments.  It transpires late that this was his second attempt, as his first attempt had ended up with the hole being blocked by kitchen units.  The wall is some half meter thick, made of brick and covered with plasterboard.

Please see exhibit A:

A pretty neat job by all accounts.  Upon seeing this, MB enquired as to the nature of this gentlemans visit and was rewarded with a tale of a woman continuously knocking on the wall…and he needed to investigate.  On top of all of this, and with no trace of sarcasm…the lunatic tells MB that “God told me to do it”

God.  Told him to do it.  Seriously…

You would hope that God might have mentioned the modern era invention of doors and the ability to knock on them…at a reasonable hour.  That said, God does move in mysterious ways apparently and, as we are all Gods creatures, this guy decided to be Jerry in this real life cartoon.

It beggars belief, although the thought strikes me that it could have been considerably worse had MB been in when it happened.  If you look at how neat the hole is..chances are that, at some point, there would have been a fucking huge knife or similar poking its way through the plasterboard.  I know myself that I would have instantly shit myself in a horror movie stylee.

Phoning the police was an interesting challenge, as the dispatcher didn’t speak English and repeating the question “Do you know the way to the library?” in ever increasing volume just wasn’t going to cut it for this conversation.  Cue a number of phonecalls to friends with German girlfriends later and the police were called by proxy.

The police arrive (10 of them) to find an incredulous MB…asking lots of questions along the lines of “Is this normal?; This can’t be normal, can it?; Have you seen this before?” and so on.  The police tried to reassure MB and inform him that in fact, no…this was not normal behaviour, nor have they seen this before.  Obviously they arrested the guy, but needed to get into his apartment….which was locked and he hadn’t brought keys.  Clearly he had planned to make more use of his tunnel now that he had made a new friend.  Maybe, once he realised that there was in fact no woman to be found, knocking on the wall or otherwise…he decided that this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.  It is possible that he was using MBs laptop to search Ebay for just the right accoutrements to beautify the new entrance between abodes.  A Mancunian/Frankfurtian lovenest if you will (for MB is indeed a Manc..try not to hold that against him).

In the absence of keys, one of the police officers had to crawl through to this guys apartment..where they discovered the plasterboard and all of the bricks neatly stacked up.

Suffice to say that MB is currently residing in a hotel until the landlord effects the repairs to the property and hopefully evicts the nutter.  Let’s face it, you just know that the coppers won’t be able to hold him long and he will be back…crawling through the tunnel and probably masturbating to goat pr0n on MBs couch, staring at pictures of the Mancunian maestro himself.

It could happen.

Date testimonials?

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Discounted BoyHad the weirdest Facebook notification ever today, some application told me that I should add a Date Testimonial. Is that even possible to do?

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some nice comments made about me in the past, but asking for a testimonial..isn’t that taking it a bit far?  Especially as a testimonial is normally written by someone that enjoyed the service you provided and are essentially displayed to help you get more people interested in taking said service…

Choosing a picnic location of the alley behind the Dog and Duck was unusual and surprisingly nice.  The Laughing Wolf has surprisingly dextrous hands and I couldn’t recommend him more.  Since using his services, I have recently been promoted to Burger Flipper, lost 20 pounds and have a healthy sheen to my hair.

Thanks – Tracey – Essex, UK

I suppose it could work….and could only help if I ever decide to become a gigolo.

The Laughing Wolf is amazing, the attention to detail and professional courteous service is second to none.  Highly recommended – Peter – Amsterdam, Netherlands

See!  Now I really think it could…..wait a minute…arse.

Electricity chafes…

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I nominate these guys for this year…tis true. Years ago, I was working for a software house in Cheltenham.  During this time the company were undergoing some major changes, including shutting down an office in Surrey and moving operations to Cheltenham.  This meant getting 2 new buildings and setting them up from scratch.  During this time we had mucho fun getting everything ready, and very little sleep was had by myself and Matt.

I point this out as, at some point on the Sunday, Matt and I were checking all of the PCs and printers etc to make sure that everything could login and would work as expected.  The move had actually begun at 17:00 on the Friday and everyone was expecting to begin working as normal at 08:00 on the Monday morning.  Not a lot of time to move some 300 people and all of their equipment.  We managed it…barely.  Anyway, back to the checking of PCs… I think we got to the 3rd floor and went around as before switching everything on.  Matt notices that one of the PCs didn’t fire up…so as we are taking a break, he decides to whip the case off and take a look.  He didn’t take the usual precautions of unplugging the machine, grounding himself etc, but no matter…generally these things don’t pose an issue.

We are chatting away and pretty much trying to stay awake when he asks me for a screwdriver.  On hindsight, I should have questioned why, but as tired as I was I passed one to him.  There then followed this set of events:

Matt:  “Thanks, I think I see what’s wrong”
PC:  BANG
Matt: THUD
Matt: Slide
Matt: THUD
Matt:  “AAaaaaaaaargh”

He ended up about 10 feet away from where he started, with a hairstyle not dissimilar to Yahoo Serious of Young Enstein fame.  In a moment of genius clarity, he had noticed that the power supply fan was not spinning, decided to jab the screwdriver into it and wiggle around, hoping to dislodge whatever was causing the fan to stick.. Only he went too far, jabbed the screwdriver a little too deep into the gubbins of the PSU and gave himself something of a shock.  The shock sent his body hurtling backwards like something out of a film, the force of this caused him to smack his head into the desk that he was underneath, drag his hand through the gubbins of the PC and eventually smack his head into the wall 10 feet away.

After I stopped laughing, I checked to see if he was ok.  He was…although he had a lump on his head and his hand was bleeding like a good ‘un.  All that was really needed were a small flock of birds to circle around his head, throwing stars up in the air and for smoke to come off his head.

The PC started working though, so it just goes to show …mind you, his watch was never the same again.

This was the company that is essentially responsible for the Fester’esque black circles around my eyes.  Thanks to working an average (honestly) of 21 hours per day, 7 days a week for 9 weeks.  Part way through this, they tell me about the impending closure of the southern office and send me down there to arrive just as the meeting is called.

It was all very cloak and dagger, and not at all pleasant for me.  I had to wait outside and, when the meeting started..someone gave me the signal to get into the building, where I had 25 minutes to lock down and protect the data, admin accounts and even the comms rooms.  This was simply following due dilligance as instructed by the insurance company, but still…I felt like an arsehole.

It worked out ok in the end, but there were a lot of upset people there, not least of all the guys that reported in to me.

Heh, just remembered a trip back with the head of facilities.  We were driving back from Cirencester to Cheltenham in ridiculously thick fog.  It was one of those where you couldn’t see much past the front of the car, so we were driving appropriately slowly as the situation demanded.  Pete mentions that we have to be really alert, as there is a new roundabout around here somewhere..with that, a car goes flying past us and had to be travelling over the speed limit…2 seconds later we realise we are on the roundabout.  I forget the exact chain of events, but Pete points out of the car, up in the air…where we can see red lights…as we come around it is obvious that the red lights belong to the car that had gone past us a couple of seconds earlier…and is now about 30 feet in the air and falling to the ground after hitting a lamppost across the other side of the roundabout.

Pete, being the kindly soul he is…starts calling the guy all sorts of names as we wend our merry way at 5-10mph.  In fairness, we did check that the guy got out ok…but then left him to it.

I think he learned a valuable lesson right there….

Cruel to be kind

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Oh my God I look Cute!!Firstly, apologies for the password protected post.  Maybe I will open it up in the future, but right now…that one is for me.

Anyhoo, I was chatting to DS yesterday and was reminded (I forget how) about something that happened a few years ago.

I was walking through a shopping center (mall to you non Brits) when I noticed, some way in front of me, a parent caring for a child in a pushchair…as I got closer I could see that the child was in some distress and was coughing a lot.  Obviously, as a parent myself I was concerned for the little mite, and was even a little relieved when I got close and saw that he had calmed down and was no longer in clear distress.

However, I noticed something…something far more insidious and I recognised it immediately as the possible cause of the poor childs coughing fit.  It was an allergic reaction, and it was so obvious to me that I had to mention it to the father.  I guess that, as a parent, you can’t always notice the dangers around your child, especially from something so innocuous.

So, being the kind hearted parent and good citizen that I am, I leant in close to the father and mentioned..”I think I see what caused your son to choke, I am pretty sure it is an allergic reaction”.  The father looks up at me, somewhat quizzically now, but not dismissive of this strangers advice.  “What is it?” says he.

I take a deep breath, almost a sigh really and point my finger in the direction of the child…pointing directly to a mark on the childs chest.  So obvious now that I come to think of it, I almost felt sorry that this father was so clearly blinded by the love for his child and the distress that he had felt.  He followed my gaze to the offending mark and that’s when he realised and I saw a look of understanding….it was the Manchester United crest on the childs shirt.  A glimmer of recognition flashed across his face and he turns to see me nodding sympathetically.

“That’s close to child cruelty right there” says I, “You are lucky I don’t report you to child services mate” as I back away from the loving fathers swinging fist.  Such a strangely angry reaction for such a random act of kindness from a stranger.

As I rapidly accelerate away, I think to myself:

“There is just no helping some people”

It's all in the lyrics

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The ProclaimersOften the best things about any song is how the lyrics seem to apply to your life.  It could be that they seem to have been written specifically for you, or that you extract something powerful and meaningful to yourself from them.  It has to be mentioned though, this doesn’t apply to all songs.

I was on the phone to CW last night and at some point, the unmistakeable strains of 500 Miles by the Proclaimers drifted up into the apartment..

Now, on some levels, the lyrics aren’t all that bad.  It could be taken as a testament to the love that these 2 identical twins  have for this one woman, that they are willing to walk so very far, just to be with her.  I mean it seems to start off fairly well:

When I wake up yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you

So, if we are to assume that they go to bed together (one of the twins and the woman….otherwise Eek! ), and she isn’t planning on doing a runner (this assumes she hasn’t heard of the rest of his plans)…chances are that he will wake up next to her, and clearly if plans are made to, say, go for a walk the next morning…her will indeed be the man who goes along with her.  Nothing strange there, some might be overly critical and wonder why he is stating the frickin obvious, but *meh* so far so bland.

If I get drunk yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s havering to you

Ok, getting drunk is starting to show a level of stupidity now.  They already said that they want to go out after waking up next to this woman, but after guys get wrecked, the most we can accomplish the following day is to stagger…stagger like a man in the desert in need of water…to the couch.  Also, most women aren’t overly enamoured by suitors being wrecked..unless they are planning to get wrecked together…but even then I would expect a level of control.  It’s just when you combine it with the last bit that I become concerned.  Not satisfied with getting drunk next to this woman (notice ‘next to’, not with…) he intends to haver her.  Now I know what some of you are thinking, but no..havering is not the act of drunken lovemaking.  It essentially means to talk bollocks.  So this guy, is going to sit next to the object of his affections, get pissed beyond all measurable belief and talk bollocks to her.  Oh you romantic bastard, she will positively swoon with joy at your overt show of affection, she will clearly be wondering if a proposal of marriage will be forthcoming as you have put so much effort into the evening.

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

Now I don’t know about you, but I have some issues with the chorus.  It seems quite harmless…some may even say sweet…the statement of being prepared to walk 500 miles, and then another 500 miles is almost kind of beautiful.  However, presuming they are in the UK… Land’s End to John O’ Groats is 837 miles by car, walking would be less…which would mean that even if they were seperated by the maximum distance you can be in the UK, he would have to get to her place and then just circle it for a couple of hundred miles, which seems a little dim to me.  On top of this if, you are together in Land’s End after spending such clearly wonderful times waking up and getting drunk (with occasional bouts of bollocks talking), and she moves to John O’ Groats…she is clearly making a statement mate.  Let it go.

Even if it was to be taken as a very romantic gesture and, ignoring all the inherent stupidity in not using some form of transportation (bad as it is), she was willing to welcome you with open arms…would you really fall down at her door?  I mean, wouldn’t it make more sense to fall down on her couch….with a cup of tea?  Or maybe fall onto her doorbell…so she would at least know you were there.  You made it 1000 miles, you have been walking around her block for almost 200 miles, presumably without stopping.  You can make it in the house…have a little faith dude.

When I’m working yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I’ll do
I’ll pass almost every penny on to you

Working hard for her…nice sentiment.  I like that, it shows a level of responsibility and commitment that have so far been lacking.  Be careful though, giving all of your money to her is a dangerous thing, you will have none left for taking her out and getting drunk with her.  After all, you can’t expect her to pay all of the time, surely you aren’t that guy.

When I come home yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s growing old with you

Yet another obvious statement, presuming that she hasn’t taken all of his money and ran off with the Window Cleaner.  If they are living together, he will be coming back home to her when he goes home.  Does it need to be said?  Really?

The next line interests me though..”If I grow old”, IF…. Maybe there is some secret immortality recipe mixed in with the batter of the deep fried Mars Bars that the Scottish fellows are known to eat.  Maybe a study could be done to see if  high fat/cholesterol is akin to a delicious fountain of youth type thing?  Either that or they realised that they had overused the word “when” and needed to shake it up a little, just to keep us on our toes….Either way I am impressed.

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

Nuff said about the chorus really…

When I’m lonely yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man whose lonely without you
When I’m dreaming yes I know I’m gonna dream
Dream about the time when I’m with you.

Is he suggesting she is going to die here?  I mean, they just got together right?  She is a catch dude!  Admittedly, after you got pissed and started talking bollocks, she moved as far away as she could get without leaving the country…but with the whole walking thing you won her back…clearly there is love there.  What’s wrong?  Was it the chase that was the most interesting thing, now it’s all “Stop talking bollocks and are you drinking again!  My mother is coming over, you better not say anything like that to her…” etc etc etc.  This just says to me that maybe you should walk the 800 miles back and find someone else.  Dream about her?  I would guess your natural (and obvious) stalker tendencies would mean you are prone to such things…maybe you are dreaming about the time you wrapped your hands around her throat…in an effort to stop her nagging.

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

Stupid fucking chorus….

Next week…No Limit by 2 Unlimited Wink

Enough with the spam!

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spam with cheeseOk, I can take a joke.  I don’t mind recieving 1001 different spellings of the words Viagra or Cialis.  I am happy with them poking fun at my lack of hair, ever increasing belly or decreasing penis size.

I don’t mind King Abdul Jameers son contacting me about how he has gone underground, hiding from rebels trying to kill him, and the only way for me to save his life is to accept 10% of a gazillion euros.  I am always happy to hear that I have won yet another lottery that I didn’t enter, and that various banks that I don’t have accounts with are concerned and want me to verify my details with them.

All of these people are just showing an interest.  But today, enough is enough.  Honestly, they crossed the line here.  Frankly I am astounded as to how they thought anyone would be interested.

I ask you!!!!

Well Alan or Ian (don’t you know?) of Prestige, let me tell you.  I am reporting this to the highest authority.  You know what they say…or at least the well coiffed Lionel Richie says….When the going get stuffed.  Or was that gets tough?  I forget.

Is nothing sacred anymore?  I would have preferred to have received Anthrax in the post…and inhaled…than receive this.  I mean, this is the guy that sang “Hello, is it me you’re looking for” and then goes and puts a  blind girl in the video.  Hello…one insensitive bastard right there.

What next?  A singing Take That O’gram at my door…Neil Diamond does The Red Hot Chilli Peppers? (Although that just conjures up the idea of the weirdest porn site ever…admit it, you thought that too).

I am going to fight back, as I type this, I am also typing (yes ladies..I multi-task) a reply.  I am considering inviting them to the new Joe Joe Concert…Joe Dolce and Joe Pasquale singing the hits of Milli Vanilli.

Thinking about it, that might just have legs… has anyone got the number of the Burger King that Milli Vanilli are working at these days?

Gotta go, I got me a concert to promote.

Take my eyes…please!

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O?­che Shamhna / HalloweenIn honour of yesterday being Halloween, I thought I would recount for you a tale of abject terror, horrifying intrigue and no small amount of toilet activity.   I would like to say that there were no animals harmed during the events of this fateful night, but quite frankly…anything is possible.

It was a entertaining night at the bar, the locals were enjoying themselves and partaking of many delicious beverages.  Much merriment was being made and the barkeep was in good spirits.  As with all Halloween stories, the tranquility and merriment were to be replaced with horror.  Our heroes were not to know what was to transpire.  Noone could know, if they had…people may have been spared, the bar could have been closed and signs painted on the doors to ward off the evil that was about to leave a trail of destruction through this almost spiritual bar.

When the beverages had started to take hold and peoples guards were well and truly down, she arrived.

Much has been made of witches in childrens tales and moving pictures, but nothing could truly prepare us for what we saw.  Some likened her to golums ugly sister, but our heroes instinctively knew her for what she was…the Sick-ed Witch of the North.  Rumour has it that she was once a beautiful woman, known throughout the land for her beauty and ability to charm young knaves into acting out her every whim.  This storyteller, dear reader, knows better.

She began her trail of destruction and debauchery by beginning what I believe the the modern, liberal person would refer to as a Swingers Party.  Wife swapping a’plenty, with nary a wife to be found.  Entranced by this, certain young knaves were taken in by her witchly ways.  Our heroines, KH and MK were able to resist and sought sanctuary with myself, good reader, for I was there this fateful night.  I offered little protection beyond kind words and the elixir of forgetfulness, but know this my friends, this can be enough.

Whirling through the bar like a sex fuelled hurricane, the witch would stop, grab herself a new knave and suck the life from them through their lips.  Her spells were short lived fortunately, leaving a path swept with the bodies of confused knaves wondering just how that happened.  Her fateful cry of “I want to f*ck you!” will haunt me to my deathbed, and beyond, of that I am sure.

After some time it seemed to quieten, perhaps she had gone, left the revellers to continue her destructive ways somewhere else.  The patrons relaxed once more and all seemed well with the world.

Until the scream.

When the scream came it stopped everyone, rooted them to the spot with fear and panic.  Surely no human could make such a bloodcurdling sound.  Z emerged from the “little knaves room”, but he did not seem himself, something was clearly wrong.  When approached it was clear, that aswell as being made to vomit repeatedly, he was blind!

The witch had trapped her final prey and had begun her incantations to allow her to live for another year, there was nakedness, there was fumbling, groping and dare I reveal to you …. sexual organ movement.  Z may never be the same, although we quickly rallied Mr Jager and Ms Meister to heal him as rapidly as possible…time will tell if his recovery is successful.

To this day, mention of the witch causes fear and panic induced bowel movements.  Others simply weep for what they were forced to endure.

What of myself dear reader?

I simply visit my private “little knaves room” upstairs….and no, I did not ask for her number.

Isn't it ironic?

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IronySo my exercise bike turned up last night…in a million pieces (it seemed).  My initial urge was procrastination, so it is a testament to my own desire for getting fit that I managed to persuade myself a little later to actually build it.

The irony is that by the time I had finished making the feckin thing, I was too knackered to use it.  This does not bode well for my upcoming attempts at fitness.

That said, I will begin tonight and see how I get on…the aim being that I will start seeing a difference after Saturday when I have given up the cigarettes.  Apparently after a mere two weeks, you are already mostly clear and your lungs repaired….cool.

This time next year I will have written my own infommercial and be a star of the talk shows.  Weight watchers and Slim fast will all try to bribe me to be their spokesperson.   Additionally, both MV and AE have decided that I will become a womaniser and SP will be consigned to his cycle of failure.

A man can dream I suppose.

Not sure why I entitled this post the way I did, other than the exercise thing.  Is it ironic that the exercise bike was delivered at the same time that my Pizza delivery arrived?  What about my decision to get healthy, lose weight and give up smoking…just after recieving clothes that will (hopefully) soon no longer fit me and an ornamental lighter as a gift?

I am just scrabbling around for ironic things now…I will probably think of more later.  In the meantime, here is the real definition of irony..as told by a goddamn genius.

Enjoy