Ponderings…

lifes imponderables...I know most of you will have heard of the ponderings or musings as they are sometimes called like, “How does the man who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?” or “If cats always land on their feet, and toast always lands butter side down…what would happen if you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat?”

It does make you think about things though, well it does me anyway.  Lifes mysteries for example..and no, I don’t mean anything deep and meaningful like “Why are we here”.

For example, who was the person that decided you could get drinkable milk from a cow?  I mean come on, we all accept it as normal now, but you have to consider that a farmer with a serious fetish and far too much time on his hands must have made this “discovery” somehow Wink

And whilst we are on the subject of foodstuffs…who the hell discovered that you could eat some of a blowfish, just not all of it.  Surely, having discovered that fish can be quite tasty and catching an interesting looking fish to try, Mofufu would have been shocked that eating it killed Ughawe and would have given up on that particular fish.  Who made the decision to keep eating bits of it until people stopped dying?

Why do we turn the radio volume down when we are driving and looking for an address?

Why do we get quieter when talking to someone further away, say across the street?

I am also curious as to why it is, that, whenever you dial a wrong number…there is always someone to answer the phone.  Or, if you are waiting for a package to be delivered, it will arrive the moment you go to the toilet.. similar thing with visitors turning up, or the phone ringing the second you get into the bath.

What about you?  What are your imponderables?

Isn't it ironic?

IronySo my exercise bike turned up last night…in a million pieces (it seemed).  My initial urge was procrastination, so it is a testament to my own desire for getting fit that I managed to persuade myself a little later to actually build it.

The irony is that by the time I had finished making the feckin thing, I was too knackered to use it.  This does not bode well for my upcoming attempts at fitness.

That said, I will begin tonight and see how I get on…the aim being that I will start seeing a difference after Saturday when I have given up the cigarettes.  Apparently after a mere two weeks, you are already mostly clear and your lungs repaired….cool.

This time next year I will have written my own infommercial and be a star of the talk shows.  Weight watchers and Slim fast will all try to bribe me to be their spokesperson.   Additionally, both MV and AE have decided that I will become a womaniser and SP will be consigned to his cycle of failure.

A man can dream I suppose.

Not sure why I entitled this post the way I did, other than the exercise thing.  Is it ironic that the exercise bike was delivered at the same time that my Pizza delivery arrived?  What about my decision to get healthy, lose weight and give up smoking…just after recieving clothes that will (hopefully) soon no longer fit me and an ornamental lighter as a gift?

I am just scrabbling around for ironic things now…I will probably think of more later.  In the meantime, here is the real definition of irony..as told by a goddamn genius.

Enjoy

Where my addiction began….

I was talking today to a guy at work and we were discussing the finer virtues of my Starbucks Venti Cappuccino with 2 extra espresso shots.  He said I should have asked for a Venti espresso and gone for it, which triggered a TV-Show style flashback to when I was working in Cardiff.

I believe I was 18 or 19, I had travelled…lived some might say, but all under the protective coccoon of the Royal Air Force, what I see as youthful exuberance…others saw as naivety.  But through all of my experiences, I had never…well, I am almost ashamed to admit this to you now…I had never had an Espresso.  There,  I said it…I am not proud but please…before consigning me to the scrapheap of your lives, remember that I was young and inexperienced at this thing they call life…..

Holy crapola, zoned out there for a second, where was I?

Ah yes, Espresso…story…tell it.

So, I was doing some work on the side for an Italian that I had sold a computer to at work.  He owned arguably the nicest Italian restaurant in Cardiff at the time and we struck a deal where he would pay me by putting credit at the restaurant.  It was a good deal and my family and friends had some seriously nice meals because of it.  The first time I did some work for him, he invited me over to the restaurant for some lunch.  The chef whipped up an amazing risotto and I got stuck into it.  Pietro asked me if I wanted a coffee, I said yes and he asked if I wanted an Espresso.  I admitted to never having one and yes, I would love to try one.

He brought over this incredibly tiny cup with coffee in it….I had a taste and quite liked it, so I told him that I would try a full cup…and that he didn’t have to bring a taster.

So a full mug of Espresso later I am wired beyond all measurable belief.  I can’t remember the next few days following that drink, but I am pretty certain that my tolerance for caffiene went through the roof that day, and I am now at the stage of needing coffee to get to sleep at night.

I did try and give up coffee a year or two back and it nearly killed me.  I was sick, had the tremors, couldn’t focus, was sweating all the time.  I looked like the classic “Cold Turkey” sufferer that they show in films when people are trying to get off heroin etc.

Not good.  Still, at least I will have given up smoking by the weekend.

Cool

Fun…for the win!

A Quick Fuck with a Well-Greased DwarfSo let’s face it – My social life is pretty good these days.  I have a lot of friends and I live above the best Irish bar in Frankfurt.  Well, I claim that they are all my friends, as they spend most of their drinking lives in my living room…..

My capacity for beer has reached astronomical proportions recently…to the point where I went out for nearly 12 hours a couple of weeks ago and went home sober…..SOBER.  Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t have driven a car – But I felt like I feel when I go out for a single beer.  Now, a few years ago, this would have peaked my young and proud hormone…but that frickin scared me.

That said, it was just a blip and I was merrily wrecked in 2 hours and much less booze a few nights later.  Thank fook for that.

For a long time now I have been the sterotype stay indoors geek.  I don’t really know why I did it…I certainly had plenty of excuses for it, but I am out more than I am in…exploring Frankfurt, meeting with friends.  My PC is a glorified TV now with added internet surfing.  Hence the reason for the blog posts being relatively few and far between…

The best thing is, I am enjoying it.  Don’t get me wrong, it is nice to have a refuge sometimes…but living where I do, it is a rare weekend when the doorbell isn’t ringing or the phone isn’t going.

I just realised that this post totally undoes my healthy post, but I am determined to maintain the balance of considerable drinking prowess AND lose some weight/get healthy.

I think the best thing about the Anglo is that it is one of the few bars left in the world (that I know of anyway) where you start off in a group and end up in an entirely different group by the end of the night, having spoken to everyone in the bar at some stage.  Don’t mistake that for the bar being full of regulars either, sure regulars exist (I am case in point), but the atmosphere is something else.  The bar staff are superb, the music is great…I don’t really need to comment on the beer and the shots are dangerously good.  Plus it shows the football.  This bar just has it all.

I do go to other bars and places fairly often, but the phrase “All roads lead to the Anglo” is pretty much true.  Everyone ends up there at some point during the night.  It helps that it stays open until 5am I suppose Smile

Frankfurt seems to have a ‘Fest of some description almost every week and they all center around drinking copious amounts of beer…..I am sure there is some culture thrown in there somewhere to these things…but seriously…beer.

Like this weekend they have arguably their biggest Fest, absolutely huge, different music being played on various stages all over the place.  Tens of thousands of people.  I arranged to meet everyone at a Brazilian Cocktail bar…let’s just say they were pouring generous measures.  Many different drinks were consumed, then we made the mistake of heading into the main area to find somewhere else – Spent 45 minutes getting shoved along and ended up at the Anglo to get trollied there instead….

My current fave Anglo tipples are (in no particular order)

Licher Pils…German beer – Genius
Springbok – Green minty shot thing
Baby Guinness – Looks like a Guinness, tastes like nectar of the gods
Caramel Vodka – Made by the fine barstaff themselves Smile

I will not under any circumstances drink JaegerMeister…that is just an alcoholic Benolyn cough medicine and I want no part of it….there are very few drinks in this world I will run away from, jaeger is one of them…especially if some numpty decides to do Jaeger Bombs with my beer…MF!

Most of these things are consumed with monotonous regularity and most evenings finish at around 6am…often later if people fancy the few minutes it takes to walk to the Club Keller.  Germany, where 24 hour opening hours actually means something Smile

This is another one of those rambling..go nowhere posts. (I know, they all are right?).  Just an unashamedly happy post about my recently adopted social life.  I had heard good things, so decided to give it a try…

Interesting thing happened on Saturday night – Someone who I don’t know that well came to the bar at some point, and was trying to pull a friend of mine…who ran away (possibly screaming) at the first opportunity.  I decide that I have had enough and make to say goodbye and go home….where this person stops me and very pointedly says “I am not going upstairs with you for a quick shag”

Either the worst pickup line in the history of the world, or she remembers our conversations a damn sight differently than I did.

Alcohol is bad

Twisted

Call centers

hello worldI am sure that this has been done to death a million times, but our team meeting was a rather relaxed affair the other day, and as my team spend all day answering the phone to irate users, the subject span round to when people call that you can’t understand.

Now for clarity, where I work there is a requirement that you must speak English to a good level.  There are so many nationalities represented here, that the company chose a central language….and despite being based in Frankfurt, they chose English.  What this means is that the majority of people that work in my area speak little or no German.  We regularly get people call us that insist on speaking German, even though it isn’t their native language either, so you end up with an Englishmen trying to speak broken German to an Italian speaking slightly more broken German.

To say it leads to misunderstandings is a major understatement.  So with this in mind, dependent on my mood entirely, I simply refuse to speak German or pass the caller onto one of my team that speak German.

This conversation lead onto call centers.  I am fairly sure that this is a global thing, but in England a lot of companies outsource their call centers to India.  I often wonder where India outsource their call centers to….but I digress.

With the economy the way it is and more people emigrating…isn’t it possible that some Brits will invariably end up working in a call center in India sometime soon?

I can see an Indian from somewhere in the UK, calling their local bank, being put through (entirely as expected) to India…only to get Keith from Bromsgrove….and then complain that they always get someone that they can’t understand.

Confused much?  I mean, most people I know complain that when they end up through to these Indian call-centers, they can’t understand the other person.  So surely there is a decent population in the UK that actually like them being there…

Anyway, I am off to open an all English call-center in Azerbaijan, specifically for the Indian marketplace.

Alien