On my most recent “White Van Man Excursion” I was a little early again for my train, but was hungry and thirsty and decided to stop at the Eurotunnel terminal for a bite to eat.Â Whilst outside sucking down a “Fatal Friend” I noticed this sign.
Now, ok, it is easy to laugh at a foreign language sign…Germany has many of them, so why shouldn’t France?Â The big issue I have with this is that the entire terminal is decked out in both English and French….you would think they would have at least asked someone…….
That said, it is fair to say that I wasn’t bloody hungry anymore – I mean seriously, a Gout burger…with Maxi Gout and Mini Prix….my Prix is mini enough thanks very much…I don’t need a French fast food outlet reminding me of the fact, especially when I am eating.Â Not only that, but they are using crousti chicken.Â That just can’t be sanitary.
What next?Â A salmonella sausage sandwich?Â Botulism Bacon Burger?Â Scampi with added scurvy?Â A Fillet’ o’Fish?Â Ok so that last one is real, but it is still a valid point…
The sign to the left is just as bad if you are a German…Oma means Grandmother in German, so Grandma Fred?Â That must be a special kind of family unit they have going on there for crying out loud.Â Hi, meet Grandma Fred and Grandad Denise, Uncle Catherine is coming soon and my brother Sally will be downstairs in a minute
I probably have to stop being awake for so long before undertaking these journeys.
Once again though, customs were too scared to unpack my overfilled van and they let me whoosh straight through, same on the way back….even though they literally stopped every car and caravan in front of me.Â I never should have turned down that family of 27 refugees….damnit.
I only fell asleep twice this time though and both times I managed to pull over before it happened….which is a minor improvement on the last journey where I slept around 4 times…whilst doing over 140 Kph on the motorway.Â Sometimes my caffiene addicition really doesn’t help, if I get tired and decide to get a coffee for that necessary “jolt” that most people seem to get…my body thinks it is bedtime and tries to bloody sleep more.Â If I drink loads of water (which actually keeps me awake bizarrely), I have to stop every 10km for a toilet break.
I don’t think I am cut out for this white van man thing after all…..so thats me done.Â I have hung up the road rage and coveralls and will never drive one again…until someone bloody asks me and I agree before I have managed to switch off my mouths autogabble feature.