So we have already established my fear of public speaking, and it got me thinking about other things and situations that keep me rooted to the spot.Â
How do you define a phobia?Â Wikipedia says “A phobia (from Greek: ????Î?Î???, phobos, “fear”), is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or persons. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject.”
Now, other than public speaking, I don’t have any phobias….according to Wikipedia anyway.Â Â Clearly, my aversion to things as large as my head that have more legs than me is completely rational.Â There is nothing irrational about screeching like a 1950s woman that has just seen a mouse when one of these evil monstrosities roams the apartment..is there?
That reminds me, I need to buy a broom.Â A military grade one, preferably supplied by the guy that gives Bond his gadgets…
I don’t know the official name…but I do have another irrational fear, the fear of looking like an idiot.Â Quite an ironic one though, as I probably do this a lot without even realising…but that’s the key isn’t it, the not realising it.Â I try to be funny but avoid being moronic, I deliberately avoid putting myself in situations where I can look foolish.Â Which is funny really as a lot of my humour centers around taking the piss out of other people, therefore putting myself “in the line of fire”, so to speak.
I knew someone sometime ago that would become rooted to the spot and end up in a gibbering wreck when birds were flapping their wings anywhere near her.Â Sarah used to become almost paralysed with fear whenever she was forced to look down from a height…something I very delicately and considerately dealt with by getting her to go on the biggest, baddest rollercoasters and fairground rides that I could find…oh and I made her go up to the top of the revolving telecomms tower in Berlin….See, aren’t I considerate
I personally am terrified of paralysis…a lot of people will relate to this I am sure, but the concept of being trapped inside my own body really gives me the heebies..
So what am I scared of now?Â I don’t know really, my career seems to have stalled..I am 35 in a couple of days, I see my kids via webcam or talk to them by phoneÂ and I live alone.Â I should probably be scared of myself if I am honest.Â I seem to hurt people close to me and push them away.Â I have even done this to my family over the years (albeit mainly when I was younger…some things are best left unblogged).Â All I know is that I am tired.Â Not tired in a “you should be worried about my state of mind” kind of way.Â More tired in a self-absorbed, drained kind of way.Â There feels like some sort of malais afflicting me, who knows though, this is probably normal for someone approaching 35.Â Ageing has never bothered me before though, so I can’t (with any honesty) blame that.
Maybe I will look to new horizons, maybe.
Or maybe I should just buy a sports car, get liposuction and hair implants and rock it with 18 year old nymphomaniac contortionist porn star triplets…