As my life is currently pretty boring and my friends are being decidedly normal, I will have to delve into the dim, dark recesses of what laughingly passes for a memory to bring you some stories from my youth.

Picture the scene, a fresh faced Dave arrives at a new place in Germany with Family and starts to make friends.  We have some good times, we have some bloody great times, but we also had that first time.  The first time I went into a German fast food establishment and ordered…on my own….in German.

Now, not a complicated process and if I am honest, something I could have delivered in English, but no dammit, I live here and will make the effort.

This is where I hit problem #1 – I didn’t speak a bloody word of German (although I did know what Lufthansa means**).  Now I hope I don’t have to explain that ordering food, even something simple as a portion of chips (fries to any American folk that may read this), is quite the complicated task for a 13 year old without even the most basic of local language.

You can tell I was only 13, based on this one….stupid fact.  I asked my friends for what to say.  Mistake 1.  Mistake 2 came about when I actually believed them.

I approach the counter, repeating the phrase over and over in my head, my focus completely on the delivery of this sustenance providing line….

“Einmal pimmel mit mayo bitte”

Lets review this shall we.

Einmal – So far so good, this would mean 1 of.

Mit mayo bitte – Also ends will, this means with mayonnaise please.

The problem really lays with that single word in the middle.  Pimmel.  In case you haven’t already A) Guessed, B) Looked it up – It means Penis.  My wonderful friends had made me ask for a penis with mayonnaise.  Bastards

The, not unattractive, girl behind the counter hastily corrected me and explained in English what I had just said.  My embarrassment was immediately countered by kicking the crap out of the “friend” that had given me the translation.  Looking back, I would have done the exact same thing – So Pete, wherever you are and whatever you are doing, sorry for the bleeding nose

That said, now that I am single and frankly willing to try anything – Are their any ladies out there that would like a penis with mayonnaise?  I am skilled in the discussion of such things…

** “Let Us Feel The Hostess And Not Say Anything” in case you were wondering